I Can't Believe He's Still Single

Like a bad romance novel, you write your ad

2010-09-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

Location: Florida
Age: god only knows

Like a craft of war, we make love with the most incredibly hottest steam. With a passion that rips through our inability to express it, we explode into its wonderment.

We might as well be 200 feet up on a tree branch doing it or speeding down a hill in a fast and reckless in a radio flier wagon as we tempt our ten-hundredth orgasm.

Crashing with each other is what we do anyway.

They fly off so fast, we can't find our clothes after the deed is done and you snarl at the ways you just want it; your bedroom eyes seething with intrigue to inflame my lust. Our loud cries are born together as the other screams it a tiny bit more aloud.

We both give and take it like dirty directors in our life's sexual tension; an extension of our own inner reels of film playing out. We were well cast for this role; dirty dancing between the sounds that make no other dance comparable; but this is for our eyes-only.

It’s a breath in and out with each thrust and if these thrusts were swords, we'd be chopped toast. But it is real; our words and motions of sounds expressed from heart to heart in these temporal vestures of clay; these bodies we find our souls expressing their intertwined nature as being in love. Back and forth, I’m in you and you're in me. Day by day we stray into the flesh, hoping to see a gush of spirit in love's true bliss. We have been opened up by love's sexual haughtiness. Take it not for granted my love bean, you will be hearing the space between words that sometimes have become grunts with passion's released call to each other.

if you like, write back. ciao~

I snarl at your purple prose and wish to plunge my red pen into the heart of your grammatical errors. Oh, my love bean, I have seen the gush of your verbage, and released grunts of horror.

Courtesy of onlinebootycall.com

2009-03-07T17:12:00.000-08:00

expand

I'd like to invite you to "rate this booty."

Train Wreck ISO Train Wreck

2008-11-02T18:50:00.000-08:00

Age: 41
Location: Florida
My personal life is a wreck, but I am fun and sain. I am not a stalker and hate drama.

I am looking for a lady that has family issues that prevents the startup of a conventional relationship.

I have a lot of free time to dedicate.

I am tall, clean cut, short hair (full head), muscular, no missing pearly white (LOL), very well spoken and educated

In short I would like to find my equal, are you her? I must be private because of my job but I have no problems with sending you my pic.

Hit me up if your interested.

There is such a thing as too much honesty, I've found.

Social Ineptitude is His Strong Point

2008-10-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

Location: San Francisco, CA
Age: Unknown

My First Date With an Asian

Ok, so for a long time I felt like the only guy in the Bay area that never dated an Asian girl and I was always jealous over the white guys that had cute Asian women on their arms. This past weekend that changed for me. I recently broke off with a white girl friend, so I put up an ad on cl and got a few replies. One was from a cute Asian girl. So, I thought, this could be fun! My chance, finally.
So we agree to meet at local bar after a bunch of drawn out emails (not my choice or style but hers). We're sitting there and she starts to ask me questions which I was very much struggling with due to her very broken English but I was trying hard and patient. She asked me what I like to do for fun. I suppose I could have been a smartass and said something like, 'I like to tie up women in my dungeon with duct tape and rope', but she wouldn't have laughed. So I gave her the standard answers. Then I boringly asked her, 'so what do you like to do for fun?' Her reply, "I LIKE TO BITE". Wait did I hear that correctly? I said, 'what do you like to do?' She's smiles coyly and says, " I Bite, I love to Bite." So, now i'm thinking WOW! I have a live one on my hands here, YAY!!!! So I'm like, WOW, YOU LIKE TO BITE, WELL ME TOO! AND I LIKE TO BE BITTEN TOO! She didn't really reply much to that. I was like really excited at this point thinking, wow these Asian girls are freaky! She mentioned not enjoying Biting until she got out here to California. Biting was new to her. I was getting really excited about the prospects here.
Then I'm like, 'so what's your favorite places to BITE?' She's like, I like to BITE around the park, in mountain view, here and there. I BITE all around. DOH!

She was talking the whole time about biking. She loves to bike.
Can you believe my luck? An Asian girl that says bite for bike.

This is like a letter to Penthouse, gone badly off-track.

It's in the bag

2008-09-09T12:04:00.000-07:00

Strictly business,,,, maybe more!!!!! Ok, here is the deal.
Age: 23
Location: Houston, TX

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me over a 2 months ago, I have gone out a few times on a few dates but I haven't found a girl that can fulfill my wild side. I am looking for someone that is a little more open and daring!!! Someone exciting!

So, to truly weed out the women that don't have what I am looking for.

I am making this offer.

I have a brand new coach purse, see pics below, for trade. Or maybe this would be considered a Barter! LOL

anyway, Like I said, it has been 2 months, and I need a blow job!!!

so if your not scared, and you like to be a little bit naughty. Here is your chance!!

Who knows? Maybe we will hit it off!!!!!

Hello, Vice Unit?

This gives new meaning to young, dumb, and full of cum.

Polish up your douche-dar

2008-08-13T06:22:00.000-07:00

Low tolerance for high maintenance...
Age: 50
Location: Florida

About my life and what I'm looking for:

I can love passionately, and at times, fiercely.
I possess a keen wit and wield it often.
I am often mistaken for Albert Einstein.
I enjoy providing unsolicited opinions.
I have a 3.5 USTA rating.
I am lean, muscular and in excellent physical shape.
I love beaches.
I love suns of beaches.
I wish I could cure cancer and other diseases.
I do not own an iPod.
I am a federale.
I am social.
I can move objects with my mind.
I can be immature, for my own amusement and others.
I am often mistaken for George Clooney.
I can behave as an adult when cornered.
I have recently been carded for beer.
I am not gay.
Scarlett Johanssen and I will NOT be getting back together.
I can drive a car with my knee.
I dig sushi and chicks that dig sushi.
I prefer a Pinot Noir or a nice, red, table wine.
Kids love me.
I have not joined the AARP.
I believe my left boob is larger than my right.
I still believe in Santa.
Resistance is Futile.

Key tip-offs to identifying older douchebags: Have issues with being their own age. Believe they look 10-20-30 years younger than their real age. They think they're funnier than they actually are. They think OTHER PEOPLE are high maintenance.

Any other dead giveaways? You tell me.

p.s. Relationship is still fine and going strong. Just have a lull at work and time to pick this back up.

the mind is a terrible thing to waste

2008-05-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

The mind is a sexual organ
Age: 45
Location: Minnesota

Looking for a princess who is also an exhibitionist and submissive. I am 45 yrs old, 6'4" and 230lbs. I would like to meet a woman/women smaller and younger than me. By that I mean 40 or younger, 4'9" to 6'0" slender to ample. Positive & happy with themselves. Looking for a lady who does not mind leaving the lady at the door, as the sub enters. They can be shy and yet kinky or bold as can be and kinky. Involved or interested in Bondage, Blindfolds, Clamps, Candle Wax, Chains, Collar and or Lead/Leash, Oral, Pain, Role Playing, Spanking, Talking Dirty, Whips and being naughty in public. I am a voyeur who enjoys watching men and women jockeying for a better position to see what they saw or thought they saw.

Domination of a submissive does not include getting you into my 3 bedroom 2 bath 1 dungeon home two hours after we meet for the first time over coffee. Thats a gift you must earn. To earn a trip into the dungeon, you must open your mind. Your picture gets mine, as well as cam, after we have chatted and both are interested.

Sometimes I read these ads, and I think to myself, "wow." Just, wow. The princess-slut who earns a trip into your 3 bedroom--2 bath--1 dungeon home is a lucky, lucky girl.

Suicide is painful

2008-04-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry
Age: 36
Location: Washington state

Does anyone get the feeling that life isn't woth it, that it sucks being alone. I sometimes sit in my van and think about the early days when I was married. I loved it and I loved her and to this day I can't understand why she did this. I'm a great guy, great dad ( I have four kids I'm raising alone, without child support mind you), I never hit my wife nor my kids and I was very romantic. I treated her as a queen. So where did it end? I know how it ended, she cheat on me with a married man thus ruining two families. I feel so alone and at days just sigh and again think of the good days. I miss that, that communication with another adult, the serious and funny conversations over nothing. I miss the hikes and random walks to the park. I miss going out or buying my honey a rose on a whim. Where are the woman that want such things.

I'm a modern day Romeo looking for his Juliet, minus the suicide LOL. I'm 6'3, 215 lbs and in great shape. I don't expect the same from another but I do want someone that is slightly in shape, average looking and fun to be with. I'm not looking for someone that is overly overweight or is looking for someone to take care of them. I have four kids and I can't afford to pay for another. Someone with a job would be great. And listen, if your not here or looking for a long time committment then dont bother answering this ad. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and I expect you to do the same.

I'm relieved. I totally wasn't up for offing myself for a few hikes and random walks to the park, not to mention a rose.

Bad Boy, Bad Boy, Whatcha Gonna Do?

2008-04-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

Bad Boy ISO Good Girl
Age: 25
Location: Vegas, Baby

So...ya, I was thinking I need someone opposite me...I'm kind of a bad boy, but not super bad, not like prison bad...maybe a couple of 48 hrs in a cell or something, nothing crazy. I have strong morals and family values and stuff...Let's put it this way...I've always been subjected to negative stuff, I'm not a drug addict or nothing like that, either...just the way I was raised and taught to do things I guess are "bad". At least in my mind....I don't know, I guess I just want a good girl, someone opposite me...a girl that can show me the other side of things I guess...That's just how I've been feeling lately.....I'm not ugly so any response's, please don't be either...

Now, this sounds like a story that will have a happy ending.

A happy fairytale

2008-04-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

Dear y'all:

First off, all apologies. I know I have sadly neglected this little patch of the blogosphere.

Here is my lameass excuse: About four months ago, I met a wonderful guy on match.com (aka: dating hell). About two months ago, we started dating only each other. I know this is a sad excuse, but in the last two months, I've been feeling so many happy endorphins, I haven't much felt like perusing the personal ads. (insert ahhhs and ooohhs).

I promise to be more diligent and post a couple of times a week. Or, at a minimum, hand this blog over at some point to some caring singleton who will love it more than the bastard stepchild it's become.

much love,

Trouble

p.s. Yes, his ad was utterly brilliant and charming. Durr. At some point, I may actually post it here, because it definitely is a good one.

Yes, this will bring the lassies running

2008-04-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

DO YOU WANT SOMEONE TO TREAT YOU RIGHT. YOU FOUND HIM
Age: 40
Location: Florida

I LOOK AT MYSELF AS EASY GOING. I LIKE TO GO AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS BUT I LIKE STAYING HOME AND WATCHING A MOVIE IN THE ARMS OF SOMEONE COMFORTABLE. I DONT LIKE TO ARGUE BUT COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO MAKING IT WORK. JUST TALK TO ME!

You say you like to go and do different things AND stay home? Just what I like: a man of diverse interests. I can tell we would have A LOT in common. Because, you know, I like going AND staying, too.

Alphabet Soup

2008-03-21T07:45:00.001-07:00

From Heather at Desperately Seeking Sanity (check her out, she's awesome!):

“hello how r u”
Age: 36
Location: Virginia

1 2 b with is u all ways 1 2 c u all ways is me 1 2 have fun is with u 2 c where its go i like to go to the race go to the movies like to go beach with you if you are out there you can send me a e mail if you like to i am a honest man and loaly man if i was not i would not b talking on here 1 2 b in love just try 2 talk 2 me sometime if u like 2 if not move on 1 woman hurt me i will not go there agin sorry if i sound like a ass but its hard 2 turst any women agin if you are out there talk to me

omg r u srsly tlkng lk this & u r 36 yrs old?

U r soooo kewl! plz txt me l8r. I want 2 cast u in a verizon commercial!!!

lolz!!!111!!!

Spin Doctors

2008-03-05T10:53:00.001-08:00

Good News
Age: 48
location: Baltimore, MD

Last night my girlfriend of two years told me she has been seeing someone else but still wants to see me. I told this isn't musical chairs and if she wanted her have her cake and eat it to she would have to find a new baker. My attitude is this is good news for some white, single, attractive, woman, in her 40s, who wants to meet a good looking, white, single guy who has all his hair and is in shape. You will be treated like a woman wants to be treated.

Now this is a relentlessly cheery optimist.

brutal honesty

2008-03-05T10:50:00.000-08:00

-Insert Lame Pickup Line Here-
Age: 27
Location: Baltimore, MD

Ok Ladies here is the deal..

I am not here to talk myself up, I am not here to lie to you. I am here to find someone. I suck at self esteem, so I have to resort to the internet.

This is about me:

I like going places, I like animals, I like turkey and pepper jack cheese, I like spicy things. I am an honest guy and have a little bit of asshole in me, that comes from being shit on in my early years. I don't touch women... in that abusive way. I love a silly movie and hate chick flicks. I work full time and enjoy beer when I am off. I like being sporadic, I hate rules. I may wake up and be like "Let's go to New York". I love football and hate that stupid Soccer, Tennis and Golf. I like to sleep, but work prohibits that. I have a lot of other things but I don't remember them right now. Oh, I hate being alone.

This is about you:

Any age -- the older the better (they know what they want). If you have kids, it's all good.. I like 'em, just don't know if I want them. I like brown hair, but I am not picky. I like Green Eyes, but I am not picky. I hope you like Beer, the cheaper the better -- cause my job sucks at pay. I hope you like spicy things, cause I sure the heck do. I hope your mom isn't physco, cause I have had bad experiences. I don't care what you look like -- you can have one missing limb, it's all good one still works.

So if I interest you then lets go for it, send me an email, we will chat it up. I am well versed in the internet so I know all about this stupid spam crap, I won't fall for it.

Oh the catch, the catch you say? There has to be a catch! Well there is, I am a fatty -- thats right I am fat. Yes, I can walk, Yes I can drive, Yes I can breath on my own, No Richard Simmons doesn't have to come with a chainsaw to cut me out.

So if you aren't a shallow bitch -- hit me up, lets get to know each other.

Well, that's one way to handle an awkward situation...

Paging Peter Pan

2008-03-04T11:55:00.000-08:00

Great catch, fun/young looking and young hearted
Age: 40

I am a confident, attractive guy, just turned 40 but look in my early 30's, the way I feel and look, I think age is just a number, since most of my friends are in their later 20's to mid 30's. I shaved my head on my own, in case you're wondering about the different pictures, had some sudden hair loss and just nipped it in the bud, best thing I ever did! ;)

Athletic, sexy, work hard and play hard. I have a great 5 1/2 yr old yellow lab. I am active, workout, play baseball, etc.. Enjoy time with friends and family. If you're interested in a really nice guy with an edge, who cares about how he looks, is a gentleman, and treats women with respect, touch base and we'll see if theres a match. I am pretty picky, looking for my perfect match, knowing that no one is perfect, but there is someone perfect for everybody.

Why is it that people who say they look ten years younger than they are...never do?

40-Year-Old Stoner Dudes Really Turn Me On

2008-02-27T13:12:00.000-08:00

AT EHARMONY, WE TOTALLY KNOW HOW TO HOOK YOUR FREAKY ASS UP
Age: 40
Location: Portland, OR

so everything around here looks like a resume....well, most of it anyway....and the internet coffee dates feel like job interviews....all overly ambitious and shit....my question is that if a person is so busy that they can't find anyone, why look?....I'm not proposing outright slackerdom here, but it tends to present an overwhelming contradiction in my opinion....busy busy busy....shit to do and all....overplanned....overcommitted....overambitious....my thoughts on it run along the lines of the job is just a means to an end....so anyway, all this long list of doing shit for the sake of impressing another person is overated....Hitler was an ambitious guy....did a lot of shit....but don't ya just wish once in a while that he'd just stayed the hell home and got stoned???

unpretentious, random, somewhat nutty/freakish adventure seeker with backpack, kayak, fly rods and a tank of gas looking for something along the same lines....with time and a few bucks to go do shit....so there ya have it....nice and simple....inquire within for vacation schedule, picture, underwear size and all that happy horseshit

I think someone should be cited by the grammar police for overuse of ellipses and underuse of capitalization and punctuation. The primary desire this ad inspires is for me to get out the red pen and go to town.

His title did make me laugh, though. And, wtf was that about Hitler? This entire ad is a good illustration of those 80s ads about "this is your brain on drugs."

Dude...this is your personal ad on drugs.

You can be my little Cinderella

2008-02-26T14:14:00.000-08:00

Seeking Mate for Working, Loving
Age: 53
Location: Hawaii

Hello ladies here i am waiting for you to call me today ,,i want to work you to the bone then bone you..sharing our pashion and kindness,,living and working and playing side by side healing each other THATS WHAT I DREAM ABOUT sharing our lives together yet learning from each other'''' let me tell you a little bit about my self,, Yes im an old man to alot of young people but honney let me tell you i may be 53 years old but its all there there ,, its good to exercise,, eat the right foods ,stay away from any drugs ,,,not to drink ,,,smoking pot is just fine ,,,everybody that wants to experance herb should..i love to take care of my family as much as i can ,,im a wood worker with a little wood shop on my land,, its fun to play the guitar,,and surf when i can ,,im a crafts person on wendsdays and saterdays in hilo at the hilo market so stop on by to say hi and tell me you read my ad on graigs list and i will give you a pair of koa earrings to you as a gift so dont be shy and STOP ON BY LOVE TO MEET YOU mark

Now, this is a man who understands the romance. And free earrings, to boot! What a catch!

Why do I doubt that what you say is true?

2008-02-23T14:07:00.000-08:00

looking for crazy psyco asain chick you know any???
Age: 38
Location: Hawaii

I am the opposite, I have a good job, 6 figure income stable, college degree, fit, surfer build , love to travel and have lots of fun… email me and I will send you pics…

I have questions, you have answers:

Are there really a lot of men out there with college degrees and 6 figure incomes who can't spell?

And what exactly IS the opposite of a crazy psycho Asian chick?

You tell me.

You knew it had to happen eventually...

2008-02-19T16:40:00.000-08:00

I Can't Believe She's Still Single

Head on over and give Mike some props. I think this is awesome.

Grandpa, is that you?

2008-02-19T11:17:00.000-08:00

The Surf, Lazy Days and Steamy Nights
Age: 50
Location: Miami

Looking for the answer to a Puzzling Dream! I Love the Beach, Writing Silly Prose and Jokes,, CSI Miami and Awesome Smokes. you could be 18 or 55, Fit and Fun but tired of being alone,as I am, so let's get this done.
I am a Gourmet Cook , well Hung and Spoken.
Let's get together, Roll One Up and start Token!
:-)

Link to his hilarious but extremely not-safe-for-work picture.

Listen...no 50 year-old-man needs to be posting pictures of his 50-year-old man meat, no way, no how. It's just disturbing, y'all, like he left his entire body out in the sun too long. I didn't need to see it, and was so traumatized I felt the need to share it. You don't need to see it, either, but you will probably be compelled to click on that link above, regardless.

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall

2008-02-18T17:58:00.000-08:00

Is this a love story? Or just a man in love with himself?

Romantic Prince Seeks A Passionate 25-39 Princess (Fairy Tale +Poems)
Age: 40
Location: Connecticut

The Dark Knight and the Princess of Love (Fairy Tale)

Back in the days of King Arthur there lived a very powerful Ogre. The Ogre was very lonely, so he traded his soul to the forces of evil for a beautiful maiden. And the Ogre forced her to live with him inside a deep, lonely dungeon of despair. And there was no love, as the Ogre controlled her through fear and intimidation. Time crept along slowly, and several years later a crying baby could be heard in the darkness...

And as the baby boy grew, the Ogre taught him many things. He taught the boy how the world rewards power and punishes weakness. And he taught the boy metaphysics, and the power of darkness. And the boy slowly grew into a man, as well as a powerful knight. His father, the Ogre, had trained him to become a Dark Knight, and he was finally going out into the world to perfect his skills.

And he became a powerful knight indeed, one that could push his will on others and take most of that which he desired by force. But one day he came upon a being of power like no other that he had ever met before. She was the Princess of Love, and just a glimpse into her beautiful, deep eyes would steal his breath and thoughts away from him. He longed to be with her, and he used all his power to enchant her. And he succeeded, and the Dark Knight merged with the Princess of Love. But it was a disaster, as power and love cannot be merged together! The kingdom was set ablaze, and it would have been completely destroyed, but the Princess of Love sacrificed her own life to save the world!

The Dark Knight regained consciousness days later, awakening in a scorched world engulfed in darkness and misery. The Princess of Love was gone forever, and the survivors were erecting statues of her all over the kingdom in mourning. She was the last of her line, and love was destroyed. It was a sight he was not prepared for, and it set him into a rage that lasted through four seasons. But then the Dark Knight discovered something that had never been taught to him by his father, the Ogre. He discovered that he had a soul… And the Dark knight also realized that he had destroyed love, and love is a force of nature. Over time it became clear that until love was restored to the kingdom, he would forever languish.

So the Dark Knight spent several years going over the knowledge obtained from the Ogre and his minions, to unlearn that which he had been previously taught, and he also retrained himself. He worked very hard, but he finally succeeded and he became a Prince of Love. And over time the kingdom was rebuilt. But not for him, for he was still heartbroken and alone, and he was also responsible for much of the kingdom's past unhappiness. So the Prince of Love left the kingdom to live near the North Pole, where he could live in solitude. And there he resided undisturbed for hundreds of years. But he never aged, he was still exactly the same as he was the night he nearly destroyed the world…

But one day in the 21st century, something unexpected happened. His fortress of solitude melted away, and his home became an ocean. The world of man was destroying the planet because love was never fully restored! So the Prince of Love returned to again live within the kingdom. His mission was clear, and he's been sitting around idly for way too long. He must find a Princess of Love, or someone working towards becoming one. Someone with whom he could raise children, so their children can be born into love, not power, and they can re-seed a world that so desperately needs them.

But the Prince of Love soon discovered his task was a difficult one, full of mystery and peril. His kingdom was gone, and in this time period there was little room for knights and princesses. The world of man had hunted them to near extinction, just like he did with the witch.. the whale.. the great cats.. the clean air.. the icebergs.. And whatever survivors that were left, they were in hiding and they didn’t even know who they were themselves. But he was empowered by the forces of nature, and he cast aside his fear for the sake of love...

He soon discovered this new world was full of technological wonders, and the people acted and dressed very different too. And there were vultures and thieves everywhere he turned. Fortunately his training in metaphysics provided him valuable insight and intuition. But it was an uphill battle, and he was always outnumbered and the underdog, but he never gave up hope. And there finally came a day when his eyes gazed upon his princess’s for the first time, and her eyes upon his…

…and the moment their eyes met, their love spread like a wildfire throughout the world. The Prince and Princess of Love were finally reunited, and all that witnessed them learned firsthand what love was truly like, and how wonderful it can be when two people are of the same soul, and the same heart. And the Prince and Princess loved and cherished each other until the day they were recalled back amongst the stars. But their children carried on their teachings, and eventually the world was renewed. And the world lived in peace, and happily so for all eternity… The End.

XXXXX
The Cast:
XXXXX

The Dark Knight/Prince of Love –

He’s 40 (looks/acts younger), of Italian/European descent, 5’11, somewhat fit at 170lbs, brown eyes (*See poem*), thick short brown hair, and a short brown goatee. He’s single, never been married, and has no children. He’s a non-smoker and a light social drinker. He’s currently working towards his professional license, and he’s financially stable.

His studies and areas of knowledge: Land surveying, common/contract law, real estate, computers, psychoanalysis, philosophy, business, auto mechanics, home improvement, heating and plumbing, carpentry, raising emotionally intelligent children, etc.

His favorite music: Pop, Soft Rock, Hard Rock, Alternative, Punk, 80's, 90's, etc. Some examples: Goo Goo Dolls, Pink, Jewel, S. Mclachlan, Foo Fighters, U2, No Doubt, B. Springsteen, K. Clarkson, Heart, M. Branch, Fleetwood Mac, Greenday, B. Joel, Guns & Roses, S.Crow, Lifehouse, Savage Garden, W. Houston, J. Lopez, AC/DC, Destiny's Child, J. Mayer, Metallica, Daughtry, P. Benetar, Journey, 5 for Fighting, etc...

His favorite movies: The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Mel Brooks, The Sound of Music, Harry Potter, John Candy, It's a Wonderful Life, Abbott and Costello, The Ten Commandments, Aliens, The Princess Bride, Monty Python’s Holy Grail, The Great Escape, Ben Hur, Indiana Jones, Gladiator, A Miracle on 34th Street, Die Hard, Disney movies (Lady and the Tramp, Jungle Book, Robin Hood, Lion King, That Darn Cat, etc), Kevin Cosner, The African Queen, Jerry Lewis, Overboard, Willow, etc.

His favorite activities: Billiards, cars, motorcycles, reading, conversation, learning, creative writing/poetry, crafts, animals, zoos, museums, travel, camping, board/card/pub games, chess, computers, catch-and-release fishing (but DISLIKES hunting), etc. And he would like to try: Art, cultural events, dancing, golf, body boarding, sailing, and others.

******************************
My Eyes (Poem)
What's it like to stare into my big brown eyes?
It's to enter a world without any lies.
To feel cherished, and loved, all through your life,
And the feeling won't fade, even when you're my wife.
And when you cross the threshold you'll finally live,
With eyes that understand that love is to give.
And when the patter of little feet blesses your home,
These eyes will be on you, and they'll never roam.
For they longed to be with you since the world was anew,
And they're loyal, and faithful, and will always be true.
And should the world become angry and make you feel down,
These eyes will be cheerful, until gone is your frown.
Or should life become hard, and you struggle to survive,
These eyes will be strong, until you once again thrive.
And if another stood between us, blocking our gaze,
These eyes won't give in, and they'll pierce through the haze.
But someday I might hurt you, because of my flaws,
So my eyes will be remorseful, for such a great cause.
What's it like to stare into my deep brown eyes?
It's to feel like a songbird learning to fly.
******************************

The Princess of Love –

She's between 25 and 39, and has a slender, fit, or average physique (or the ability, and also the willpower, to get there in the near future). She wants to be healthy, and she also wants to live a somewhat healthy lifestyle. She respects other people's religious, spiritual, and scientific beliefs. And she has fiery, yet sweet, loving eyes.(*See poem*)

She likes to learn and to do new things, she is very intuitive, and she has a magnificent mind, with a drive that can only be matched by the salmon, or the whale. She often loses track of time during “enthusiastic” reading and/or activities, and also during intimacy. And she has a friendly, clever, sarcastic, and/or goofy sense of humor, and sometimes she’s silly like a child!

She feels good about herself, and her aura gives off a glow, one that could *blind* if she only let it. She might be shy around some strangers, but she *radiates* around friends and family. She might be stubborn at times, but she's never too big to admit being wrong, and she's open about her feelings and her past. And she's adventurous, compassionate, sensitive, creative, sympathetic, understanding, forgiving, optimistic (but not overly), caring, energetic, kind, loving, sweet, loyal, faithful, honest, and encouraging. She also has a love of nature, balance, and equality.

She's energetic, affectionate, and playful, and she loves to cuddle, hold hands, spoon, and make love until sunrise. Her love style is "romantic" or "passionate", and her passion often overflows like a volcano! She may have been hurt in the past, but she still believes (or at least she WANTS to believe) in love. She knows that it's nearly impossible to find something that you don't believe in. She knows what love is (mostly), and she feels that she deserves to be loved. She cannot love more than one man at a time, and she has never cheated on a lover or spouse, unless perhaps it was in response to being cheated on first.

She wants to have children, but adoption is also a possibility as a last resort. She knows that children must learn about love firsthand by watching their parents, and they will not follow the teachings of hypocritical parents. She understands that everyone, including the children, must have a say in issues that affect the family. And she knows that school alone does not adequately prepare children for a happy life, and they must be guided by loving parents, especially when it comes to learning how to deal with their emotions.

******************************
Her Eyes (Poem)
From the moment I saw them, she was like no other;
Eyes not only that of a lover, but a wife and a mother.
The look of honesty and trust, and the compassion of man;
They struck me like lightning, they shattered my plan!
A never-ending beauty, these eyes, they possess;
Powerful enough to move mountains, yet they ask for much less.
A man caught in their spell will lose all track of time;
A wife that wont age, not now, not anytime!
We live in a world where models burn out like charcoal;
But these eyes will be here, and relinquish no sparkle.
So I'm writing this poem, and I've dropped to one knee;
Won't you please give me hope and show interest in me?
******************************

Lastly, I'm not seeking perfection. The most important factor is sharing a lifetime together full of love, joy and happiness. If you would like to know anything else, you'll have to ask. I'm also looking to make new friends, so if you think we'd make a good match for friendship then please feel free to contact me too. Thank you very much for reading my ad :-)

P.S - Sincere replies only please. Thank You.

No good can ever come of listening to too much of the Goo Goo Dolls.

Asian Baby Daddy Manhattan Metrosexual

2008-02-18T13:10:00.000-08:00

Who says you can't have it all?

Submitted by one of our Manhattan correspondents:

Everything or Nothing
Location: Massachusetts

I detest the idea of having to market myself but dating is the most competitive contact sport so here goes...

My favorite magazine is Vanity Fair. I have the stamina to shop every floor in Barney's or Bergdorf in a single afternoon. I prefer to walk and window shop in lieu of the gym.

I often wish that I was a pirate. after a day of looting and pillaging you'd find me lying on a beach and sipping a pink fruity drink with a little paper umbrella in the glass.

When I meet the right woman I put a lot of time and energy into the relationship.

I'm especially attracted to well maintained, sophisticated women who appreciate all of life's pleasures.

Women with good table manners and hygiene get bonus points.

I'm looking for someone who is good with kids, sexy in an adventurous way, indulgent, whimsical, feminine, a 50/50 partner, and loyal.

Lets spend Sunday afternoons on the patio in our bathrobes sipping mimosas talking and reading the paper.

for fun:
shopping, the beach, sailing, scuba diving, watching movies/dvds, listening to audiobooks, looking for new music on itunes, road trips, fine dining, casual dining, outdoor dining, paintball, collecting ancient maps

my job:
attorney

my ethnicity:
I have been expertly trained as both a ninja assassin and a samurai warrior

favorite things:
brioni suits, hermes neckties, mechanical wristwatches. favorite food is grilled cheese with tomato soup.

I don't think it gets any more metrosexualer than that. But, at least he's open about it.

I just can't mock love today

2008-02-14T17:16:00.000-08:00

Thinking of Awesome Titles Sucks!
Age: 30
Location: New Mexico

For real. Geez. What hard work and I didn't even start yet. K so I guess I'm a super lamewod but I'm just going to come out and say a few things:

Right now, I might be the loneliest person in the world. Definitely the lamest, but that's okay, I have a huge, uh...heart.

I only just recently realized that my poetic and charming nature has long been dormant, and somehow I should really try to get it back.

I miss kissing someone and thinking how lucky I am, and then thinking "hey this chick is lucky too damn". All sloppy and open-mouthed.

I'm tired of convincing myself that I'm happy, and admitting this now, even with virtual invisibility, stings a little.

I am flawed. Sometimes I'm temperamental and I have a dirty fucking mouth. And Orbit gum doesn't clean it up.

When I look back and read over this I will hate every desperate word...but I will not change it 'cuz I'm a stubborn bastard.

There's got to be someone out there who would actually want to love me, right...?

I used to be good at sex. (holy crap) I wonder if I ever will again. (Jesus, James)

I love sad music.

I am NOT medicated. And sometimes I think I should be. But fuck Earth.

My roommate just asked what a personal ad is. ? (and now I'm trying to figure out who the loser is)

Morrissey was better than The Cure. Yes he was.

I am sooo tired of porn. Seriously.

I quit smoking 08/21/07.

I quit drinking 2 years ago.

I quit smoking weed 3 1/2 years ago.

I quit doing coke almost 5 years ago.

I quit doing ecstasy 6 or 7 years ago.

You quit reading 12 lines ago.

I've been convincing myself that I don't love someone for almost 3 years.

I love green tea even though it makes me pee like mucho A LOT.

I'm a cancer, so I only SOUND like I'm desperate and unattractive, but I'm really neither. Jesus I'm hot. Okay I'm alright.

I want to evolve with someone emotionally more than anything in the world.

Evolving together spiritually and intellectually would be great too, and while we're at it, can I have some sex please? Okay maybe next time then.

I have a cat named Turkey and he's a fuckin' fatso. God Turkey, you're disgusting. I love you Turkey.

I just bought a king size bed and I feel so alone in it, even though it's super comfortable. And masterbation is sooo overrated. Too much info I know my bad.

Note to self: If this outreach effort doesn't go too well, go back inside your shell where it's warm and safe.

I could love someone with no aspirations, and that's something I never thought I could say, but I could love someone like no other.

I want to meet someone who will love me even if I turn out to be a total failure.

I think 98% of you would have stopped reading by now if you weren't trying to avoid doing those dishes.

I'm the author of "Shakespeare never wrote about us". Who? Wha? It's okay, nevermind.

I have the shocker sticker in my back window and people flip me the shocker every day, which I think rocks. My dad thinks it means rock n' roll because I just couldn't hear myself explaining that one. "Well, you see Dad..."

Is it impossible to meet a cute chick that's also sweet, preferably one that digs cancer men? For my sake, I fucking hope not, 'cuz it's a bit late to change signs.

I was born on July 7th, 1977 and I'm the 7th grandson. Freaky. I know. But do you see why my portrait is next to "rad" in the dictionary. C'mon people.

So I guess I'm meant to be here. Even on crappy days like today.

On a much lighter note, I have a burrito in the microwave so I have to wrap this up.

I don't know why, but this ad really tugs at my heart strings. I like my men a little flawed, with hints of vulnerability peaking through their armor.

On Valentine's Day, I wish us all someone who can say, in all seriousness:

I could love someone with no aspirations, and that's something I never thought I could say, but I could love someone like no other.

I wish you love.

what's wrong with this picture?

2008-02-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

Looking for virtuous woman
Age: 41
Location: Kentucky

Hi!Im looking for an awsome christian woman who is on fire for God.Im currently married and want out.I know nothing is impossible for God.Last time i prayed for a woman that liked sex as much as me now im praying for one who is virtuous.If you are the one let me know.If you know anyone who needs an awsome Christian man let me know.I also like to felloowship.Thanks for reading this. Have an awsome day!Lift Jesus higher!

A little recommended reading for our online bachelor.

how now, woolsack, what mutter you?

2008-02-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

Prithy, the longest internet dating ad we've ever seen (and perhaps, the craziest):

bard out of my mind

this anonymous older male who surfs the net might understandable come across as some desperado fruitcake goofball nutcase for a female he wants to get
butta my ohmydog home life
i wanna meaningful rapport with a worthy gal you bet.
i wanna feel a palpable rush of bare naked lady, green day metallica pleasure that now courses thru my entire being, and transfer said electric spark thru the ether and thence upon thine direct bodice! this outcome (of course) predicated on a desire to reciprocate more than idle curiosity at being mildly amused!
unwise of me to project any transition from an online acquaintanceship to an offline connection, which genuine yearning would rank as wish number one! i will most likely need to be wise to the obvious limitations of this communication!
even if something real and tangible a possibility, you could be disinclined to step up to a closer degree of intimacy, perhaps based on seriously involvement with a significant other.
no need fro me to induce any apr, money down, hype or pressure! unlike my personality to come across like some forceful being!
even if not one iota of a chance exists that this fledgling acquaintanceship remains front and center an online rapport, i WOULD still be touched to the quick and flattered at your willingness to confide vital details. rather than impose any such insinuation, i prefer to allow, enable and promote the fates to determine the course of events!
most people (even those who never met me in breathing and living flesh) would attest that the originator of these words happens to be affable, civil, edible, glib, indelible, kind, manageable, odd, questionable, slim, untenable (jest kidding), wise, and a gush of fresh air!
nary a handy dandy jimmy neutron spongebob squarepants blues clues as to what (if any typ e) acquaintanceship, friendship and/or ipso facto relationship you may be searching far and wide to experience.
perhaps, you merely wish to write to someone online every now and again? no hype or pressure from me to put you in the virtual hot seat! reciprocate however often the mood inspires.
this puny pint sized plaything of the deities cry out in the age of cholera and amidst this human wilderness for some care and comfort, especially such confirmation, fascination, inspiration, libation, ovation, recreation, undulation (at least via the electronic band wagon) for some familiarization and union of two souls in search of sanity, selflessness and somebody to love!
the chimerical, empirical, lyrical, magical, musical, mystical, optical, physical, quizzical, radical shadow of some goddess sent thunderbolts of avidity, cupidity, felicity, loquacity, rapidity with sending back a genuine, heartfelt and sincere desire to allow, enable and promote some level of mutual joy!
open thy pandora's box for me? pray tell this lovelorn lad troublesome woes!
so....how about this avaricious, bespectacled, corporeal, derelict, enlightened, fictitious, gamboling, harmless, illustrative, jinxed, knucklehead, loquacious, meretricious, noxious, penniless, quintessential, reticent, sordid, taciturn, unpretentious, vacuous, vapid, wastrel of a guy for bland and tedious conversation or bony shoulder to weep?
maybe some mildly exaggerated character sketch might sway the thought process pendulum to swing one way or the other!
a written account of this veritable stranger now appears across your screen!
ready! set! click send matthew and hope that more than mild amazement takes place. try not to be unduly put off nor mortified after gleaning the following account. here goes!
a scary reflection greets me whenever i summon up enough steely courage and take a sneak peek into the mirror. before the spider lines start to appear across the shiny surface and subsequent cracks and fissures dissolve the glassy surface, these hazel colored and near sighted (bespectacled way back in the day since second grade) eyes quickly absorb a most frightful countenance and visage!
that near legendary and trademark feature of longish, wavy and brown hair seems to fill the entire view! hidden among that avant garde, bohemian, liberal looking, neo-hippy, non-establishmentarian style of un-styled locks (interspersed with silver follicles indicative of acquired wisdom -Hah) can be discerned a clean-shaven and clear complexioned face with a high forehead, which allows, enables and provides more skin surface to bang against the wall when frustrated!
my somewhat outsize ears and longish neck (i swear exist, which contrary to popular myth never seen by living persons) support this egg shaped (scrambled some might argue) head!
a mostly flat and hairless chest attests to a regular regimen of light (self-concocted) calisthenics stretching routine! ex ercise such as being chased by nasty and short brutes (as well as meditation to calm these frayed) a vital part of my daily program to deal with the ordinary stresses of life! coffee happens to be the sole vice, which exotic brews provide that helpful jump start!
now to that locale known as the genitalia! although the unseen forces of biology and genetics seem to under serve my male member (which premium on a heavily endowed specific size seems to be valued as the worthiness of sexual prowess) , this rather diminutive phallus continues to contribute to minimal masculine identity!
last? a pair of skinny (flamingo like) legs (covered in a adequate hair) complete this general character sketch!
does this suffice? after attempting to envision some vague essential apparition or near facsimile of this here caucasian male, i wonder if you happen to be less or more favorably disposed toward some healthy liaison.
please try NOT to perceive the sole aim as some single purpose (so called one track mind), but also a thorough enjoyment and pleasure at assimilating a charisma, dogma and karma in close alignment with mine!
now if will please excuse me, i need to forage for some berries, grub or small game!
primitive poet -- meself wrote the above in playful falafel jest
and does wish ye for a pleasant night or day
nothing but the very best.

You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!

You sir, are no Will Shakespeare.

We all want a man with skills

2008-02-02T17:07:00.000-08:00

Choice Man for Quality Lady
Age 30
Location: New Mexico

Hello
I would just like some interaction with a good looking female
I am a good looking male, 5'8", dark/blonde, blue,160.
It has been a while since I have been with a women, but I am a gentleman with skills.I have outdoor intrests, and do not go to bars or clubs as a way of meeting people. If you would like to spend quality time, and possibly meet a new friend, mabe more.contact me. Maybe movie and dinner at my home?

I like my men with skills. You know, like nunchuku skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.

p.s. That last line tells me you really have been out of the game for a while.

worst headlines of the week

2008-01-29T21:43:00.000-08:00

"I'm naked under my clothes" (I bet this line really used to get you all the girls in 6th grade though, eh? *nudge nudge, wink wink*)

"Friendly and likes to share" (In my experience, boys like you are TOO friendly and generally want to share your penises)

"Semi-Intellectual Guy Seeks Stimulation" (ahem...NO.)

"Potentate" (middle-eastern king seeks harem girl?)

"back in the saddle again" (never on a first date, cowboy)

And, the winner is:

"If your looking for Love and Honesty, affection, respect, tenderness and love to be massaged and nursed I'm him" (brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department in cooperation with the Department of Perverts Doing Kinky Things)

caption it

2008-01-25T09:25:00.000-08:00

Bringing back an old favorite:

My favorite part of this photo is his choker. Nothing says "trying to hard to be a hipster at 45" like a choker.

Okay, your turn.

What an ass!

2008-01-14T19:54:00.000-08:00

Love Me, Love My Ass
Age: 35
Location: North Carolina

We're a package- my lean body topped by a strong, toned butt paired and my bright, intelligent mind. Together they can be too much for most normal women but I'm not looking for a normal woman. I'd rather meet someone a bit different, someone that makes me think, makes me laugh and challenges me. I'm not like any man you've ever met and though I'm conservative in some ways- I don't fool around and I'm completely monogamous- I'm far from dull.

If you're up for something different, someone that will challenge you, tempt you and tease you like you've never been, write me. Both my mind and my ass thank you.

I found a picture of him, y'all:

In this case, I don't care how clean and attractive you are...

2008-01-12T15:34:00.000-08:00

Inelegant, intellectual, very clean, sharp & attractive Caucasian
Age: 40
Location: Kentucky

I am not perfect & you shouldn’t be.

Physical attraction is extremely important .
Chemistry, attitude & state of mind more important.

Please don’t respond if you are:

*Dam drinker
*stinky smoker
*poison user
*tow or more in one (fiscally or mentally)
*sharing you’re living space with animals that don’t brush their teeth or flush their shit
*missing your teeth or nipples
*bar flay
*gold-digger.

I am 5’11 175 lb, unattached, no kids, no pets, don’t drink or smoke, healthy inside & outside, charming, sensitive/macho combo, big kid yet brave &strong man, aggressive in playing my role. If your hot, sexy, sassy, inelegant, intellectual, positive & happy let’s write/talk/meet.

Sometimes an ad is so breathtaking in its ineptitude that it leaves me speechless. This is one of those times.

Having given up on Atlanta

2008-01-09T18:26:00.000-08:00

Our intrepid bachelor is now trolling other Southern cities looking for gullible women who have not yet heard of him. In addition to scoring 8.9 on Hot or Not, he also appears to have acquired a new job working for Jet Blue (or American Airlines), earns between $250-300k a year, and is between 35 and 38 years old:

Looking for Someone Special
Age: 35
Location: Tennessee

It is hard for me to maintain a stable relationship due to the sheer amount of travel that I conduct. I am a pilot for Jet Blue which currently nets me around 250,000/yr, depending on the flights i take. I can afford to spoil the right woman. All I ask for is someone to spend time with when I am back in town. However I cannot afford a clingy woman. Please send photograghs and I will let you know if this is something I'd like to pursue with you. Serious replies only. No women with attachments or serious stability issues please.

J Crump let me know he's also in New Hampshire, looking. And, I found him in Santa Barbara, California...Austin, Texas...Ventura, California...The list probably goes on, but frankly, I got bored.

Meh. It appears internet dating is fraught with all sorts of misrepresentation, such as this bachelor claiming to be human.

Be careful what you wish for...

2008-01-07T15:28:00.000-08:00

Older for Younger
Age: 55
Location: Tennessee

Seeking younger woman.....if you ....are 25-40 SWF...petite.....like to sit around all day in your flannel nightgown stuffing your face with chips watching Judge Judy, Springer, and Oprah.....smoke at least two packs a day...want to live off my nice income....never do laundry...cant boil water and wouldnt know a sauce pan from a poodle....have five kids from five different men all within four years of age...couldnt handle a vacuum if your life depended on it....have no clue how to make a bed...owe more on your credit cards than I make in a year....havent balanced your checking account in years....dont own a car but want me to buy you one...want to travel the world at my expense...prone to cheat with the neighbor while I'm at work....will use my razor on your legs and not tell me....havent brushed your teeth in months.....have no clue what feminine hygiene refers to....if you can give swearing lessons to sailors....and would make a priest blush at confession....if you fear your bar will start to charge by the pound to get in...and certainly if you drink cheap wine....then you may be the woman for me. I can promise you the most erotic, wild, passionate, and pleasing 8 seconds of your life twice a week.

Now, if you find humor here. Please send a picture at least five years old prior to your unexpected weight gain and a letter filled with nothing but lies about yourself and I will get back to you. It just might work for us. Serious inquiries only please.

I think you're being completely realistic, dude. Keep it up, and I have no doubt you will find exactly what you're looking for.

God, I love a nerd

2007-12-28T06:19:00.000-08:00

Post Christmas in the 9th Circle
Age: 32

So another Christmas as come and gone in the 9th circle of Albuquerque and i am still here. This is the second one I've spent here and it just dosen't seem to get any more exciting. Don't get me wrong it's not bad but it's not good eather. Much like the dirt, rocks, plants, houses and just about everthing else it is beige. I swear this is the dullest place i have ever lived. Crist the only thing this town is known for is that this is the place Bugs Bunny keeps forgetting to make a left. The only exciting thing here it the highways and the way people drive. (Whats the deal with never letting you in when you change lanes or letting you onto the freeway? Or cutting me off and then incredibly i am the asshole. Do they teach that in the state driving manual or something?)I moved here after Katrina thinking it was going to be a temporary thing but i appear to be here now indefintly so i might as well make the best of it. Plus all my stuff is here so what are you gonna do?

So here is the deal. I am a 32 yo 6'5" construction type worker guy who likes wierd things. I don dress in womens underwear or anything but i am allergic to almost anything on the to forty radio station. I think that shiny trucks that are dorpped low on tiny wheels and rims is just dumb. I read alot of books (about two a week) on just about anything from quantum physics to Nitch. I hate hip-hop and look stupid in baggy pants. I love to travel and have been to antarctica twice. Last but not least i am the citys oldest art bronze caster apprentice. So to re-cap Brittny Spears Bad, Books Good, Silly cars Bad (unless its a clown car then its okay), Penguines Good, Rap Bad, Bronze Good. I think that covers it about me. So let me tell you what i am looking for.

I am looking for a woman who is independent, smart, funny, and a little bit of a nerd. If you are a tomboy who knows who Tom Waits is and like tall goofy men who can fix stuff, lift very heavy things, and will debate about the movement of eastern europe into a free market socity after the fall of the soviet union and really how benificial it was for the west drop a line.

Why don't we have buff, large, innerly nerdy construction workers like this in my town? Goddamn. He starts off a little bitter, but then, wham, he morphs into someone I would totally date. How about you? If you're in Albuquerque and want the hook-up, let me know.

Millionaires need love, too.

2007-12-27T13:27:00.000-08:00

Sophisticated MAN looking for love

I'm so tired of all the low class women I meet in bars and clubs that I thought I'd give the internet dating stuff a try.

About Me:

I'm 38, pretty tall, well groomed with a very professional appearance. (although I prefer Jeans and a T-Shirt on the weekends) I've never been married and have no children. (although I LOVE kids)

I'm CEO of a large corporation, I'm sure most of you have heard of it and possibly even use our products. I've worked very hard to get where I'm at with my business and I'm now ready to share my life with someone special.

You should be:

A REAL person! PLEASE NO SPAM! You should also be someone I can actually have an intellectual conversation with. You should also be able to handle being in the public eye, if things work out between us. (nothing major just some media events and a few fancy parties)

Due to my position I can't post a picture of myself on a public forum. But I do have a profile at a VERY discreet website geared towards millionaires.

You can message me directly at: millionaireBBC [at] gmail [dot] com

I just don't want to lose your message in the tons of spam I'm sure I will get.

I hate having to do it this way but I can't afford letting the public know I'm lonely and on the internet looking for a date. It would cause a media frenzy!

I thank you in advance for looking at my posting. Hope you have a great Day!

Sir Richard Branson, is it you?

Stop laughing, he's chasing his rainbows!

2007-12-20T13:55:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Elizabeth, today we will explore the wonders of love with a warm-hearted donzel.

Warm-hearted donzels are a diminishing species, largely due to the male donzels' lack of success in courting women. They frequently reside in the heartland of America, and are narrow in width and oblong in shape. Their diet of milk and vegetables keeps them placid and celibate.

Location: Indiana

i am a warm hearted donzel presently searching for friendship on any level. I shall search these labyrinthine corridors, narrow in width and oblong in shape; knowing that they're ends may remain forever out of my view. I am hoping to conquer those distances which lie behind and before me, memory and hope. I will continually chase my rainbows and follow my dreams.

I is an employed, somewhat intelligent, somewhat athletic, and a lacto- vegetarian. (Not intended as a requirement)

Those who respond will most certainly still my mind and humble my heart.

I are not impressed.

Great White Hunter

2007-12-14T06:18:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Stacy 242 who must have a good time dating in her town...

Never Done This Before
Age: 25
Location: Baltimore

Hi, I have never done anything like this before but I am getting tired of the bar sceen. I just moved to the Bwi area. I have a good job, I have a great family and great friends. I am a very normal guy who just wants to meet a honest woman. I want someone that I can have a trusting relationship with that likes some of the same things I do. I love the outdoors, country music, dancing, and even kareoke every now and then. I am not a yupee or pretty boy by any means. So if your Idea of a good time is walking around Annapolis all day you probly shouldnt apply. I am 6'1 and I weight 200 lbs. I have a athletic build, deep blue eyes and long brown hair. Send a pic and a little bit about yourself and I promise I will write back.

Apparently, not all the men in DC are metrosexuals, as some have tried to claim.

Bitter much?

2007-12-13T08:10:00.001-08:00

courtesy of Elizabeth, who was kind enough to forward this gem:

Location: Indianapolis

What is there to say? I see no real point in writing this thing since anything good I say will be arrogant anything bad I say will be self depreciating. BTW, if you're wondering why I don't have a photo up, I'm wondering why I should. I don't look like a calvin klein model and if I did, I wouldn't need one of these stupid site to meet people. Besides, it's never done any good before and if you really want to see a picture of me, then you lack a life even worse than I do. Let's face it. Hardly anybody on here is ever going to bother to actually meet anybody else. This is just all of us pretending to have lives. If somebody does communicate with me, I'm sure whatever picture they develope of me in their minds is far more flattering than what a cheap disposable camera processed at Wal-Mart five years ago will show. (Yes, my best digital self photo is five years old. I see no real reason to change that. I haven't changed much since the photo was taken.)

I can't imagine why he's still single...

The other side of the story

2007-12-12T07:42:00.000-08:00

This site isn't just about ripping on the menfolks. We fully realize there are plenty of superficial, vacuous, stupid women out there, online. So, in the interest of fairness...

From Best of Craigslist, Philadelphia:

It's Me, Every Girl, Ever

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

And there you go...dating isn't any easier from the male side of the field.

Bad Math

2007-12-10T07:25:00.000-08:00

Best Move I've Made
Age: 46
Location: Albuquerque

recently moved here....hounded by all these recruiter types, they all asked the same question, would I be willing to relocate? they had job offers in calif. houston, florida, st. louis, new orleans, colorado,..no, hell no! but they got me to thinking...looked on a map and saw new mexico sittin' all by herself, googled albuquerque and voila! talk about serendipity..two weeks later I am gainfully employed with a great company, am loving the area. Karma can be fickle but when she pays off she really pays off. Anyway, the only thing missing is female companionship. the bar scene is fine, just not for me right now. (I feel like an old wolf out on the prowl, very disconcerting)...

about me...divorced 15 yrs ago, 5 yr relationship over about a year ago (we still talk, just friends), no kids, employed, 5'9"..150#'s..smoke, wish i didn't, drug free, wear a short beard and now glasses, have been told I look 10 years younger than my age but my ex says BS, I look my age (hope she's just messing with me)

interested in all types of personalities except evangelical types. perfect age would be half mine plus 10 (formula courtesy of charles darwin) i find it funny, but truer than most people would admit. however that is not a deal-breaker, gimme a call, movie, dinner, lunch, we'll keep it low-key. If a picture is required I understand, just don't know all the tech stuff, but I bet I can find somebody at work who knows.

Now I understand why 60-year-old men keep messaging me, thinking that they're "in." Sorry, guy. You're no Charles Darwin.

You're feeling sleepy, very sleepy...

2007-12-09T14:45:00.000-08:00

Extraordinary Seeks the Same
Age: 37
Location: Seattle

I know its difficult to find that guy. You know the guy you always dreamed of. Remember when you were young. It was like you already knew him. Like you already fell in love with him and spent your whole life waiting for the right guy to come a long who's worthy of that love. Someone who you could connect to you on the deepest levels of being... so much so that you feel like imploding with love. You know that mysterious, timeless link that just makes you feel like you've known each other forever... like you were meant to know them... and its almost like you're looking right at your future ...like your future is right in front of you.
And when you feel that... its almost like there's a cord of light going from you to him. And as that light gets brighter, your breathing quickens, your heart beats faster and you feel the light heating up into a flame. A flame penetrating your consciousness... spreading all through your body, through your chest and belly. A fire pounding and pulsating down to where you really (and secretly) want it to go until that desire for him becomes so utterly overwhealming that you surrender to it completely...

I think when a person can do that ...and let that take place... that's when you get that total sense of the mystery and wonder of life ...the wonder that just goes beyond all time and space ...and it's like the rest of the world disappears and all you know is what's in front of you. I wonder how wonderful that would be to share with someone who you know is right.

If you resonate at all with this, and you feel compelled to get to know me, just drop me a line. Be sure to include your picture and if I'm interested, I'll do the same. Warm hugs and soft kisses...

Something about this ad made me want to take my clothes off and throw caution to the wind. hmm. Weird.

White and Nerdy

2007-12-07T14:34:00.000-08:00

Age: 31
Location: Singapore

Look, let's face it, there's nothing quite as hot as a hot guy and a hot Asian girl getting it on. This white boy is tall and built not at all fat like most guys on this lame website. I haven't had much far east experience but what little I did is definitely keeping me coming back for more. Now all I need is a girl that can appreciate my bad ass attitude, my wicked sense of humor, and my tendencies to be a complete dominant animal in the bedroom.

Hope to hear from just ONE quality Asian girl, and a happy smile
please respond with your picture

Someone needs a spanking. And I can't help hoping life delivers on it.

Dumb and Slutty ISO Dumb and Slutty

2007-11-26T09:45:00.000-08:00

Dumb Girl Wanted
Age: 38
Location: Michigan

Is your idea of “news” that L’Oreal has a new shade of lipstick?
Do you think that “pancreas” is a breakfast food? (“I’ll have the blueberry pancreas with a side of sausage, please”)
Do you think General Admission is some dude in the Army?
Do you smile during thunderstorms because you think your picture is being taken?

Then I’m looking for you.

I’m a 38 year old professional white male, successful, good looking and smart enough for the both of us.

So, if you’re dumb with a good sense of humor, please drop me a line. I’d like to get to know you.

I doubt your claim of being smart enough for two people, just based on this ad. One thing I love about personals: People tell you exactly who they are, if you take the time to read what they write.

Young Sugar Daddy

2007-11-25T09:49:00.000-08:00

Young Sugar Daddy Seeking a Princess to Spoil
Age: 23

**No Escorts or BS. Serious intelligent women only.**

Educated rich handsome young man seeks a gorgeous sexy woman to spend money on and show a good time to. Please respond with a picture. Thanks.

Why do I doubt the need for an educated, rich, and handsome young man to advertise online for his princess? I dunno, call me cynical.

Haven't I seen you on...

2007-11-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

Hot Chicks With Douchebags?

Most Say I Look Like George Clooney, Or Was It George Jetson?
Age: 30
Location: The Penisula of the U.S.

What's up! I'm just looking to meet someone around 23-29 who definitely considers herself a cutie and loves to just go out, have fun, laugh until milk shoots out her nose (Don't worry that counts as cute!), enjoy the miami nightlife, Heat Game perhaps, dinner, or whatever...Not sure if I'm looking for anything serious right now, but ya never know. Just leave a quick pic and response.. I'm just trying to see if I can meet someone really laid back, cute, funny and cool that I might not ordinarily get to run into in my everyday routine.

A peace sign in every photo: Does it get any cooler than that?

...Of course you do

2007-11-18T09:38:00.000-08:00

30 yr male looking for a good,but naughty women!!
Location: Detroit

30 yr old male ,looking for a friend/or more to hang out with and have fun.im 6'1 250lbs,blue eyes (however they do change 4 differant colors ,depends on mood)i haveblondish/brownish/redish hair ,witch i keep shaved.except my facial hair.i seperated with my wife and goiing threwa divorce do to her cheating.i am looking for someone to party with,hang out with,movies,dinner,ect.i have 3 kids,i love budweiser,yager bombs,and the detriot redwings.i gave up all my friends threw this marriage,and i am tierd of being lonley.so i am looking for a friend/girlfriend..is that u???

This, my friends, is why you ask one of your friends who doesn't love budweiser and "yager" bombs to proof your ad, preferably, before posting it.

p.s. I love how you have put your 3 kids in the same sentence as your love for jagermeister. That's just fabby. We know the world needs more idiots with shaved heads, facial hair, trying to party like they're 20, when in fact they are dads with 3 kids. Priorities, priorities.

Must have own cape

2007-11-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

Now taking applications for: Evil Sidekick in World Domination Plans
Age: 24
Location: Florida

I am now taking applications for the unique privilege of assisting in the conquering of the World. That's right. We will conquer all in our path and lay waste to our enemies.

As you could imagine, such a prestigious position has very stringent requirements.

You must not be taller than me. I am tall and will not stand being dwarfed by anyone.

You must have intellect to match your charm. While an IQ test is not required, you should be able to match wits with an Sicilian when death is on the line.

You should be well versed in classic blunders that villains typically make, so we can avoid them. (List specific examples and references)

Further, you must bring to the table some unique method that will further our plans for global domination.

Have you got what it takes to rule the world? Apply today!

Why is it that I find this ad so strangely appealing? Must go practice my evil satanic cackle.

ISO of something thick, dark, and sweet...

2007-11-10T20:02:00.001-08:00

Where are all the big beautiful women?
Age: 34
Location: California
There is absolutely nothing sexier than a thick, dark 30+ woman!!! Yes this is true. This tall, mostly Italian white guy can testify to that fact. All I want is my soulmate who is a thick, dark, yummi ebony thickness of gorgeousness who will let me take care of her and make her feel like a queen. By the way, I can cook, take care of business in more ways than one and make sure you are always worshiped the way you need. I am not a footstool, but just a guy who absolutely loves my one very thick, very black and gorgeous lady.

"I like my women like I like my candy bars: a thick dark yummi ebony thickness of gorgeousness..."

Dammit! He totally forgot melty and gooey.

Racists need love, too.

2007-11-08T12:38:00.000-08:00

ISO lascivious nordic/amazon fem for breeding, possibly relationship
Location: Florida

seeking a strong, and proudly proportioned woman. of nordic or amazonian ancestry, or perhaps otherwisely descended, for bearing the new alpha race. our children will stride the earth as giants among the spawn of punier couples.

you should have a strong jaw line, and shapely legs. good teeth and keen eyes are a definite plus.

the weak minded, frail boned, or meekly ovumed need not respond.

Note the priorities: Breeding first, then he may consider you for a relationship after your ovaries have proven their worth. What romantic femme fatale could resist that offer?

There is a reason that the white supremacists of the world are dwindling down to nonexistent status. It's darwinism at work, improving the species.

evil clowns are always in high demand

2007-10-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

evil clown seeks awkward social encounter
age: 25
location: indiana

Hey Ladies! Have you ever takin' a ride with a fat man on a Tricycle?
Well, today's your lucky day!

Hi, My name's Archie, Archie the Clown! And I'm the world's nicest evil clown.

I'm almost exactly 6' feet tall and weigh a little over 250 lbs. Yeah, I know I'm pretty chunky, but most evil clowns are, so whaddya' expect? Besides, you know what they say about big guys right? Ehheheheheehe...

Anyway, I mostly enjoy hangin' out with my friends, playing video game n' such, but I'm also pretty active. I like taking walks and going for bike rides on my tricycle.

I don't lure children into my gingerbread house, as the media might have you believe. The only people I try to lure into my house are young ladies (preferably around college age.) I like girls who are smart n' funny n' maybe a little sassy. I've dated some real Bimbos in the past, and let me tell ya', they're not much fun and have very low self-esteem. =(

So, some of you might be asking, "Archie, you seem like such a nice Evil Clown, why is it that you don't already have a special lady-friend?" Well, to tell you the truth, us Evil Clowns get a bad wrap from the media. We're often portrayed as child abductors and devourers of souls. This is simply not true. I've only devoured one soul, and I assure you, if you were there, you would have agreed that it was the right thing to do.

Either way, if your a lady from the Indianapolis area whose either in college or around college age, and you've always dreamed of having an awkward social encounter with Evil Clown, then drop me a line and I'll get back to ya'!

Take it easy, Kids!

You had me at tricycle, dude.

Harry ISO Ms. Hairy

2007-10-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

Looking for Hippy Girl
age: 51
Location: Kentucky

I am looking for my dream girl. A hippy girl. If you are a woman between 18-60 and you don't feel forced by society to confirm to today's grooming standards (ie the overuse of razors) I would love to meet you. I am 51 years old, white, nicely built, well educated and very financially set. Let me spoil you.

A strong odor of patchouli would probably be a plus.

Some guys...

2007-10-23T06:53:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up with an overwhelming fear of love
Location: DC
Intense lover of music and champion of truth seeks an uncommon fiddle to give birth to art too beautiful for this mundane world of rubble.

Religious zealots, picky eaters, conservatives and girls need not apply. Philosophers, visionaries, diplomats and women encouraged.

Do you ever get the feeling that some guys are just way too caught up in their own mythology? What encourages this disturbing trend?

He has mad skillz

2007-10-22T07:01:00.000-07:00

If you're prepared for a zombie apocalypse, check me out
Age: 24

That's right. If you're prepared for zombies to come crawling down the street chanting, "Braaaaaaaaaains," we will likely get along just fine... unless you're the dumbass who gets eaten and fucks things up for everyone else. I have no time for stupid people while we're surrounded by flesh-eating carcasses.

Who am I? I am awesome and alluringly alliterative. I also enjoy babies. The dead kind. What? Yes, I know. Dead baby jokes are *almost* played out. But they're not quite done yet. I also go to school and have designs on world domination. I aim high. You can be my apprentice if you're smart enough.

If you enjoy random conversation and generally going out and having fun that inevitably leads to a high-speed car chase, feel free to email me.

Oh. If you don't know how to form proper sentences and spell correctly, don't even bother messaging me. Unless you want to get laughed at. Endlessly. No, I mean it. I will taunt you until it's not fun for me anymore. Then I might do it some more.

You know, it's true. Girls only want a boyfriend with great skills, like nunchuku skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills, zombie slaying skills. Any online ad should emphasize your selling points.

The height of vanity...

2007-10-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

Inconceivable
Age: 44
ISO: 24-35 year old women
Location: Florida

Though it seems the height of vanity to extol one's own virtues, here goes:

I am a tall, witty, athletic (former college athlete), fun, well-read, adventurous, funny, sardonic, kind, active, knowledgeable(I am a trivia master), opinionated, and the world's best uncle. I meld seamlessly in numerous worlds. I can mix a fabulous dirty vodka martini, but sometimes I might opt for an icee. I might watch Dumb and Dumber that makes me laugh uproariously or an "independent" film that really makes me think and want to discuss great thoughts. I loathe pretentious people, double standards, and hypocrisy. I am pretty active and love doing and learning new things. I love sports, books, movies, friends and family, doing things, and especially great conversation/wit. I am content being by myself, yet am looking for my perfect complement (ironic isn't it). As a doctoral candidate (I must admit I love the sound of that) in Literature/Film Studies, I love reading--top 5 books: Sun Also Rises; The Lords of Discipline; High Fidelity; To Kill a Mockingbird; Calvin and Hobbes. and Movies--1. Gallipolli 2. Diner 3. Casablanca 4. Chasing Amy 5. Hoosiers. I live for wit and banter and intellect. I am very diverse in that I can fit in virtually anywhere and love venturing to places few people go. I dig live jazz and Lyle Lovett and dives. A friend once told me she admired that I still climb things just to check out the view.

Here is a guy who is never at a loss for words...about himself. And, the most recent view he's checked out is, of course, in the mirror.

Priorities, Priorities

2007-10-18T06:46:00.000-07:00

My favorite headlines of the week:

New Truck Now I Need a New Girl
Age: 30
Location: Missouri

The pretty boy front man who wasted opportunity
Age: 25
Location: DC area

Not interested in sex? Me neither
Age: 26
Location: DC

Each of these, in its own way, is guaranteed to get the girl. Really.

Ravaged Like a Rwandan

2007-10-17T13:41:00.000-07:00

Does This Sound Like You?
Location: Miami
Age: 35

turn the music on
Fix a Drink(Wine/mixed/Beer does it matter)

Stare in your eyes
Find out how your day is Enjoy the rest of the night with you

Order out or Fix a nice meal? Which ever one strikes us best.

Discuss what are traveling plans are

Then Ravage you for the remainder of the evening.

Let me know if this fits your bill.

Look forward to hearing from you and send your pictures.

I've been ravished before, but being ravaged just sounds KINKY.

How's This Strategy Working for You?

2007-10-15T07:22:00.001-07:00

Are any women in Miami NOT a complete bitch?
Age: 24

So far, I haven't found any. There are plenty of attractive women in this city; are there any with something intelligent to say?

What's really sad about this ad is that his experiences in Miami mirror my own...and I'm a woman. And yet, telling the full and undiluted truth online is a concept guaranteed to leave you lonely, alone, and living with far too many cats.

yet another urban hipster

2007-10-14T17:44:00.000-07:00

who is somewhat lacking in the hip department:

“A good guy looking for a good partner”
Age: 41
Location: The south

My best feature is my mind. I am a caring person that puts others first.

My fashion style is hip. I have cool cloths!

My closest friends describe me as honest, caring, crazy!

I would best describe my lifestyle as fast paced!

My main goals in life are to take care of my childred, have fun, and get as much as you can out of 24 hours.

I want a man with a good mind and cool cloths!

Caption the Bachelor plus special bonus features

2007-10-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

first, the picture:

then, the story....

Earlier this week, a single woman from Atlanta winked at a guy on match. He replied with the following e-mail:

I live in a 31 story high rise condominium, right in the middle of the Buckhead nightlife district. Do you ever come to this area of town to shop/go out/visit/explore?

I went to an Ivy League school - the University of Pennsylvania - for my undergraduate degree in economics and my graduate degree in management (Wharton School of Business). Where did you go to school?

What activities do you currently participate in to stay in shape? I work out 4 times a week at LA Fitness. Do you exercise regularly? I am 6 feet tall, 185 pounds - what about yourself? I am truly sorry if that sounds rude, impolite or even downright crass, but I have been deceived before by inaccurate representations so I prefer someone be upfront and honest on initial contact...

I do mergers & acquisitions (corporate finance) for Limited Brands (Bath & Body Works, Victoria's Secret, etc). Enjoy any of our stores/divisions?

Do you have any other recent pictures you care to share? I have many others if you care to see them.
Regards,
John

Nothing big there, just your standard narcissistic crap, but that's just the beginning. Read the rest of the story...

The female winker decided they weren't a good fit, and sent him a "No Thanks" thru the Match system:

Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we're just not a good match. Good luck in your search!

Our Portraits didn't match on the basis of: • Personality

The Atlanta bachelor was not happy. He wrote back:

I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards - not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes! So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!
Regards,
John

As if his rudeness weren't enough, he included a link to his private website on his match correspondence, to show her what she was missing. The girl forwarded his website and e-mails to friends, who started the snowball rolling by forwarding everything on to others. The story was first picked up on local atlanta radio stations, but then started showing up online on Fridady. Atlanta bachelor was last seen being thoroughly eviscerated on Gawker.com.

For fun, after you read it all, check out his website, complete with 80s fashion, lots of mindless muscle flexing, and the worst hair plugs i've ever seen. The douche is strong with this one, and he serves as a valuable warning lesson to us all: don't include a link to your personal website on correspondence with people you meet anonymously on dating sites.

3 inches of love

2007-10-10T15:31:00.000-07:00

age: 30-something
location: the northeast

Yeah, I know this is an odd introduction, but I'm tired of having it come up AFTER I'm dating someone and sometimes having it not be an issue while sometimes it is...and I understand that.

So with that said, would this ever be acceptable to anyone?

I'm fine with it. Actually if I woke up and were suddenly much bigger I might scream, but I wonder how many women could accept it. I'm actually a very cute guy(and more than just my mom thinks so) and my penis is actually reasonably shaped and all(have been told it's very well shaped actually, whatever that means) and quite functional, just tiny.

I'd like to explain this to you, really I would...

2007-10-08T17:49:00.000-07:00

but frankly, I can't.

Age 39
Location: Boston

Can't you see, I'm longing to be in his place.
Won't you change partners and dance with me...

cute, too cute.

2007-10-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

Age: 23

I actually own a phone book just so I can tear it in half. If someone made a monument of me, then mount rushmore would close down due to lack of attendance. I once punched a magician. That's right. I punched a magician. I sometimes order a salad, but I never get the dressing on the side. I get it right on top of the salad, where it belongs, and where there is no turning back.

Let's see.... I enjoy running and walking fast. I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. People like me because I am rarely late. I drive a car. I am a master mason in the Duluth lodge. I have competed nationally in eating contests, but lost all of my competitions. I never lose fights, but then again I never fight. Some say I have the posture of Bob Dole, the looks of Colin Hanks, and the eyes of Susan Sarandon.

Anyhow I like to drink a lot......and I'm bored......e-mail me.

but, what's a funny boy like you doing all alone on a friday night?

Caption the Bachelor

2007-10-05T05:07:00.000-07:00

what's new, pussycat?

I gave myself to Jesus, once...

2007-10-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

but now he never calls...

A Good Woman is Hard to Find
Age: 38
Location: Alabama

Either she is hard to find or I am just too picky...probably a little of both. I know what I am looking for so if that makes me picky then I suppose it's true. A little about me is that I am truly a country boy at heart...I love Jesus, my Mom and my Labradors but do have a ton left to give a special lady. My friends say I am loyal and funny and thoughtful. I guess they are right because all those things mean something to me and help to define a man's character.

I am a professional by day and a fun seeker during the nights and weekends. Most of what I consider fun occurs outdoors and probably real close to the saltwater. Fitness is an important part of my life and should be for my romantic companion as well. I believe in taking care of myself and that begins with a grounded spiritual foundation. It would be great if you feel the same but at a minimum should know who Jesus is. I try to put all my faith into his plan for my life and when I do actually acheive that what an awesome journey it is!

My match other than her faith and spiritual condition should be physically and emotionally fit. It would be great if you enjoy the outdoors as well.

I am absolutely shocked that he has not yet located the woman of his dreams.

Okay, hipster azz...

2007-10-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

Location: Indiana
Age: 27

Okay hipster slut. Here's the problem. You like sex. No, you love it. Unfortunately, because you're cool, your friends don't approve of you being a slut. Well, here's the solution. I'll be more than happy to be your man-whore, talk about obscure bands, bitch about W., compare tattoos, and all that good stuff. In return, you get your fix, and you still maintain the semblance of a good sex-hating hipster. It will be ironic. You know this sounds like the perfect setup. And it is. So write me!

By the way, I'll gladly send you a pic in return for you sending your. Please be cute. Not chubby or gothic. No Crocs or Colts fans.

No posers. No douchebags. No losers. In short, just NO.

Moochie

2007-10-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

Age: 24
Location: Florida

About me, I'm an extraordinarily boring individual. I do not like to go out or watch movies or read books. Really, I just like to sit around and complain. I have not even a modicum of intelligence, really, and am doing little more with my life than taking up valuable breathing room. I haven't graduated from high school or college, find it appalling whenever someone tells me to get a job.

I'm really just looking for someone to live off of, so preferably, you already have a lot of money. It's not important at all that you be intelligent or funny, because I really won't care that much. I also think that a woman's place is in the kitchen, so you must like to cook and clean and basically cater to my every whim.

Oh, having anorexia would be a huge advantage for you. I need to see the bones in a woman's chest to find her at all attractive.

You should message me if you think you realize where the sarcasm was in this ad.

Don't quit your day job to pursue stand-up comedy anytime soon, sugar britches.

Minnesota's Most Eligible Bachelor

2007-09-13T12:52:00.001-07:00

And he's got a thing for toes...

Get him while you still can, ladies. He'll be off the market soon.

Level 8 Ogre Mage Seeks Moon Queen or Druid

2007-08-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

Wonder if he'll be at dragoncon this weekend?

I am a lvl 8 warrior seeking my adventuring companion for game play and fornication. I partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird. Only sanctioned spells allowed, costume dress optional but preferred. I have the body of a wandering Norwegian brawler and short brown hair. Please be quite buxom and imaginative for play and enjoy fantasy role play aesthetics. Please send pics, leves, preferred adventure type and spell list. We could go get dinner (under $20), and watch a movie. Also I’m allergic to cats.

Caption Me

2007-08-18T09:09:00.001-07:00

"Save a horse, ride an idiot."

p.s. nice pudgy tummy.

Caption the Bachelor

2007-07-13T05:07:00.000-07:00

"I wear my sunglasses in the basement cuz my future's so bright I have to wear shades..."

srsly, though...why this picture? In every other picture this guy has on his ad, he looks almost normal.

In search of scary sad girl...

2007-07-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

I need an unstable woman for a drama filled relationship…
age: 30
Location: Arizona

Hi there,

I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is Ken, I live in ChandlerAz , I’m 34 years old, fairly well educated, I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that - I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party - or if we’re lucky - both!

You should:

* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder - or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tri-cyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best,

Ken

ps This advert is in recognition of the big neon sign on my forehead that everyone else can see except me.

wonder if i have one of those, too?

an unapologetic jerk

2007-07-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

I am a jerk and there's nothing you can do about it
Age: 31

I say what I like and I like what I say. I love women. I see all the ones I want to see and I disqualify the inappropriate ones before you could say 'look there's a much better one over there I could be having a fun time with!' I love being alive so much it HURTS. I'm the kind of guy you worry about meeting your friends because you never know what I'm going to say or do next. I'm undeniably smart, witty and fun and if I like the women I meet everyday and decide to flirt with them, the interaction makes them high like they've been smoking cra.ck. I am se.x. I like to be entertained. I like smooth skin. I like large brea.sts. I like it when I'm driving and a woman (NOT a 'girl', ok?! WOMAN) strokes the back of my neck and ruffles my hair. I have a handsome face and an athlete's physique and I am the most interesting person I have met in about the last year. If you have a boyfriend I don't care. But don't BORE me with your boyfriend stories before upgrading to a proper MAN. Don't complain about my attitude because the very fact you are complaining suggests you want to change me which I love because you will never change me, but that's a sure indication that you will most probably get ADDICTED very fast. Show me a dress, a skirt, pretty heels, a smile, intelligence and LOYALTY and I will make you feel as se.xy as hell.

I am a MAN who GETS IT.

I don't get it. Why would any woman alive go for this game? Someone, please, explain...

Old lecher seeks willing pupil

2007-07-10T15:57:00.000-07:00

Seeking a Discerning Woman who appreciates an experienced man
Age: 53
Location: California

My experience shows that there are a number of young women in their 20-30's out there who fantasize about having sex with an older handsome, sexy(50yo), mature, vigorous, patient, polite man very knowledgeable in the ways of pleasing a woman. Fortunately for me a number of you have followed through on that fantasy and found the pleasures that somebody who knows what he's doing and who wants to make sure that you are pleased can provide. You'll find me entirely accepting, completely uncritical, tender, gentle, and very comfortable to be with. You will have the most wonderful sexual experience of your life. I know how to please a woman. I admit it: I enjoy sex with a young woman. Your experience level does not really matter to me. If this is something that intrigues you, please write me and we can discuss to your heart's content.

bwahahahahahahahahahahahha...*thump*

Sorry. Fell off my chair.

Things that inspire my faith in love

2007-07-09T10:57:00.000-07:00

Mr. Farts Seeks Ms. Farts
Age: 29
Location: Arizona

Hi, I'm a 29 year old single black male. I'm 6,0, muscular, dark brown in complexion. I love to fart. I would like to correspond with a sexy, single and attractive woman, white, between 23 and 37 years old with a big butt who farts a lot-farts more than the average person, farts long, loud and smelly. I want a woman who considers herself a farter in every sense of the word, so we can get our groove on together. Please keep in mind that the farting part is absolutely the most essential quality I'm looking for in a mate...for a wild, sexual relationship. I live in Philadelphia, but would be more than willing to do everything necessary to meet a woman who sees herself honestly reflected in this description. A very big butt is a plus.

If you don't fit this description, please do not email me. Also, if you're not serious and are simply looking for someone to tease and do not intend to respond if I try to get in touch with you, please don't e-mail me, because I'm 100% serious. I'm tired of getting e-mails from folks who pretend to fit the description, yet don't respond when I try to contact them. Thanks

You know, there really is someone out there for everyone.

Searching for Barbie

2007-07-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

Did you ever meet a guy who just can't believe he's still single, while everyone around him knows EXACTLY why he is? Yeah. Kinda like him...

Searching for Intelligent Life
Age: 39
Location: Michigan

Hi! My name is Marc. The following are answers to questions I've been asked frequently, and two unrelated comments. One, I've never been married because I've yet to meet the right woman. Two, I'm only interested in procreating with a woman who wants children, otherwise, I'm fine without children in my life. Three, LIGHTEN UP! Last, would anyone like to take a trip with me this year?

Are you seeking a man who does NOT already have a girlfriend and is definitely NOT married??? Are you seeking a man who is actually seeking a committed relationship? Do you like a man with an edgy sense of humor? If so, then you are reading the right profile! The next few sentences are for those women who have ADD, ADHD, or are just plain too lazy to read past this first paragraph. We would NOT be a good match if any of the following apply to you; If you're scared or skittish about dating (in general) or meeting men from Match.com, if you're not ready to EMBRACE a relationship NOW (and I do mean now, NOT weeks from now when you are emotionally ready), if you dislike kissing on the first date, if you're dating primarily because you're bored and are trying to fill up some time, if you require chatting online via instant messenging, and lastly, if you dislike leaving voice mail messages.

I thought that I would give this a shot, with the intent of meeting that special woman. I am 39 years old, 5'9", 160 lbs, very attractive, brown hair, blue eyes, and in good shape. I am fun, outgoing, VERY AFFECTIONATE, a good conversationalist, and currently seeking my common sense counterpart. In my opinion, love, sexual chemistry, respect, and compatibility are the cornerstones of any healthy relationship. I really enjoy such things in life as reading, working out, golf, red wine, music, fine dining, travel, and LONG PASSIONATE KISSES!!!

Naturally, I seek a woman who does NOT have a boyfriend, is NOT separated, and is definitely NOT married!!! Also, I do NOT want an email pen-pal!!! (That includes chatting online) I like a woman who is conscious enough about her appearance to be THIN (but not emaciated) and in good physical shape. Looks are certainly important but I feel that warmth, personality, and character are qualities that make for a good relationship. I would not click with a woman who lacks common sense, is defensive/hypersensitive (easily offended), or is frigid, or doesn't have a sense of humor. My ideal woman would also be unselfish, RELIABLE, EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE, and is DEFINITELY in touch with her SEXUAL SIDE!!! NO players, liars or cheaters!!!! I'm definitely attracted to thin women and I really like women with painted toe nails. In writing this I have tried to paint an honest picture of myself, what is important to me, and what I look for in a friend and a companion. The most important point that I would like to emphasize is that I'm VERY READY for a relationship and would like to meet a woman who has an open heart, is NOT on an emotional rebound, is ready for a relationship NOW (not later), is VERY AFFECTIONATE, and believes that life is too short to spend months on end in making a decision about romance. So, if you believe that you are more of the exception than the rule, I hope to hear from you soon!

Turn on:
A woman who is REALLY enthusiastic, REALLY motived and REALLY excited about the possibility of meeting a man and starting a relationship. Small butts. Women who say "Hi!" first.

Turn off:
A woman who is indifferent, apathetic, and has a "I could take it or leave it" attitude when it comes to dating. Big butts, big thighs, and spare tires. Wallet sniffers. Women who are uptight. Women who don't read my entire profile.

Have a Spectacular 4th

2007-07-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

Let Me Be Your Firecracker
Age: 36
Location: California

Anyway...I don't mean to sound too pedantic, weird, or Jagger/Richards-esque.
But, it would nice to be in a situation where there were few expectations and simply a sweet and gentle exchange of two interesting and perhaps complex people that are trying to get through the best they know how. I realize that might sound trite or grim, I didn't intend it to be so...sometimes, the less talking the better. I would just like to have a nice time with nice person. You can be freaky and twisted or sweet and Ivory soap Pure---Just a friendly meeting, maybe eating ice-cream, drinking coffee, dark chocolate, gram crackers, or if you're up for it--I could make fun of your CD collection.

I would be up for talking about what's on your mind, though I don't want to seem like I'm a particularly sensitive dude (I could actually be--see how far it's gotten me). If you like, we can talk about nothing at all--not even names, ala' "Last Tango." Or perhaps we could talk about people, or how wonderful or crazy your family is, or music, or horses, or French Impressionism, or Tarrantino movies, or even how splendid our "war" and foreign policy are going. In fact, if you didn't feel that way and you thought our geo-political standing in the world was "swell" and you're excited for the president to continue his superb job--we might have a difficult time. However, I try to give the impression of being open-minded--so, I suppose if you didn't agree with me, and you had deep convictions that could be articulated in a cogent, and passionate manner, I'd love to listen for a minute.

Well, another thing that may be awkward, is that I think we all prefer our own notion of beauty or aesthetic presence--as do I. (I hope that's not too unnecessarily oblique--you know, all God's Children look good and shit). I understand that I risk seeming shallow, rude, or "just a guy being a guy," but there are greater forces at work here. Sociological and biological forces with implications. You probably know what it's like to meet someone, maybe a blind date, and there is a differentiation of attractiveness ()...it might be awkward. It's
not to say it can't be overcome, but anyway... I know deep down you understand--"We all want something beautiful" or perhaps "the heart wants what it wants"--who can
explain such things (Woody Allan?) Yes, we know it happens throughout the natural
world everywhere...we watch the Discovery channel, or that anthropology/sociology class. Look anywhere--people talking together or sitting on the bench or walking -- whatever, they are often of similar physical traits, compatibility, strata, whatever--not always, of course, but we're talkin' laws of nature here Kierkegaard...what do I know? (I know none of this means much of anything---more just a way to pass time...sorry).

Oh yeah, you have to love animals, music, probably art, and be nice to waiters and old people -- knowing movie lines and that there are countries outside this one couldn't hurt--oh, and that the world is a sphere...and if you play a musical instrument you will have me at....er, hello.

You should probably live close by as we both know the difficuties of long distance unknowns...

Anyway, that's about all I have for now. Please tell me some about yourself.

Thanks, but no. A guy with a short fuse who overestimates his own bang doesn't do much for me.

I'd like it all plox.

2007-07-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

Rich Woman Wanted
Age: 40
Location: Georgia

S/W/M 40 6' 190 tanned, athletic, super healthy - and I like spiritual depth........looking for a rich woman, with a great body, likes sun, water, beach. I DON'T need another woman who wants my money or is broke. How 'bout this one......you pay ME for hanging around, pay MY tab......ha. I'm a little bored and want some equal, but I have very high standards. Maybe it's just for fun or maybe for life........it doesn't matter, it's all good. Oh, and it would be perfect if you bi - we like girls. The fun never ends.

Cheers

Plz have deep pockets, deep beauty, deep spirituality, and a deep liking for other girls.

Hello? This is reality calling.

Caption the Bachelor

2007-06-29T06:05:00.000-07:00

Everything you ever wanted...

2007-06-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

more than sex
Age: 30
Location: Berlin

ever crossed the path of these tall and attractive guys walking in the street with a rather arrogant look and sounding like they absolutely don't care about girls coming upfront ? Well, I happen to be one of them. If this look pertains more to latent gay genetics or misogyny, I don't know. I just know that for me to help a woman fulfill her needs, I'll need more than praises and kisses.

So for those that want to have a misogynous - looking man take care of them, like things to be done the raw way, and are willing to pay what it takes, my mailbox is open.

Wow. Hold me back, Ladies.

It's not just the guys...

2007-06-27T06:25:00.000-07:00

It's hard being single, no matter what your sexual orientation. Courtesy of Hahn at Home, a woman from the rainbow sector...It's hard to believe she hasn't found what she's looking for:

Train Wreck (Honest to God, that’s the title)
Age: 40ish?

It's easier to list what I DON'T WANT: No butches (mullets scare me), no liars (tell me your real age, not your "internet" age), no drunks, no bi-curious, no trannies, no dudes, no kidding. I'm looking for a beautiful, feminine, 100% lesbian that has a great sense of humor, appreciates music, animals, honesty and integrity. I'm not perfect by any means, but would like a woman that's in good shape (that whole height/weight proportionate thing scares me too -- everyone seems to have their own idea of what that is), knows what she wants out of life and isn't hung up on how many things I can buy her or how many times I can feed her ego cuz she can't figure it out for herself. If you need constant reassurance and compliments galore, call a shrink, not me. I'm one of those people who like to compliment, but only if it's real. I'm tired of the divas who need that ALL THE TIME. And if your ex is hanging around all the friggin' time, just get back together and leave us normal folk alone!!!!!!

Normal...it's all relative, isn't it?

psstt, apologies

2007-06-26T11:09:00.001-07:00

I would like to say that I had a good reason for not posting any ads last week, but truthfully, I was so busy traveling out of town for work, getting a tattoo, and having amazing sex with the new guy I've been dating (met him online, of course), that I really couldn't post.

So, to be brief:

Sorry. New ad below. Incredibly perverse. Hope you enjoy it.

xoxox,

Trouble

Help Wanted: Administrative Assistant

2007-06-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

Looking for Personal Assistant
Age: 44
Location: Texas

Opening new office in Dallas area looking for personel asst. starting wage 800 a week. must be attractive and open to new things. prefer very oral send pic and available start date.

Hmmmmmm. When he says "oral," do you think he means talkative/assertive, or takes dictation? Or do you think the oral that he's referring to falls under "other duties as assigned"? And, would he expect me to fetch his coffee?

If he doesn't look like James Spader, I have to say I'm probably not interested in assuming the position.

Emo boi, emo boi

2007-06-19T07:40:00.000-07:00

What songs are on the soundtrack of your life...
Age: 39
Location: California

This is the best part, where we have an opportunity to sell ourselves...Well, I'm easy to describe: Down-to-earth, romantic, motivated, ambitious 30-something guy looking for true love. Is that so hard? Then why are we still single??

...I am a fun, spontaneous, semi-outgoing guy looking for it all. I love my life but miss sharing it with somebody. I am a cancer, with all that entails..the emotions, ooooh the emotions. Its good to be in tune with yourself. I'd like to show you, would you care to find out? I have depth, certainly more than I can possibly display here, so write back and discover who we can be together.

As they say, enough about me, lets talk about you...

Oh, emo boi, from your ad, I'm guessing your soundtrack includes a lot of Dashboard Confessional, Hawthorne Heights, and Senses Fail.

In fact, I can just imagine your diary. (warning: NSFW)

Huh?

2007-06-18T07:12:00.000-07:00

its better to be hot and botherd than than satisfied and worried
Age: 28
Location: Kansas

im just looking for some one to spend some time with and get to know a little someone who i can talk too about anything and every thing so i hope to here from you soon oh teah im also very shy too so i hope you can work with that

Do you ever wonder if perhaps men speak an entirely different language than women? Could a guy please explain that headline to me? I just don't get it.

Caption the Bachelor

2007-06-15T04:42:00.000-07:00

My caption: "Evan, doin the g'thang, and showin' he's down for his hood(ie)."

And now for something completely different...

2007-06-14T07:58:00.000-07:00

200 Reasons You Should Message Me
Age: 27
Location: Texas

I am originally from Chicago and i am posting in [city name removed] for a few reasons. one being that I guess I am hopeless romantic. I guess I watch too many of those love movies and wonder why that can't happen to me? I also wonder maybe if she is here? Well I hope we can chat!

All 200 Reasons...

1. You’ll never have to worry about driving illegally in the carpool lane again
2. The taste of your tongue is all I've ever needed
3. I've got a shiny new Blockbuster card waiting just for you
4. I promise not to use your back to keep my feet warm
5. I'll let you push me on the swings
6. I always put the cap back on the toothpaste
7. I'll stash little notes for you where you'll least expect them
8. We’ll make history together
9. Because no other pirate's tongue can "shiver me timber" quite like yours
10. Sleeping alone just sucks.... period!
11. When you're around me I melt
12. There isn't anything I feel I can't tell you
13. I wish I could give you all of my firsts
14. All I can offer you is all of my lasts
15. You’re safe with me
16. I'll wait for you even if you're late
17. I'll lick the envelope for you
18. I’m 27 years old. Not old, but old enough
19. I'll let you sneak a taste when I'm cooking
20. I know CPR
21.I won't make you wear lame sweaters when we go to family functions
22. You turn me on!
23. You love my dorkiness
24. When you are trying to keep count, I will try and mess you up
25. You’re magically delicious
26. I'll learn strip poker with you
27. I’ll hold your coffee for you when you’re driving
28. Around you, times stands still
29. I promise not to burn the house down while you’re gone
30. If you wash the car with me I promise to wear a white T-shirt for you
31. I’ll make you Mickey Mouse pancakes
32. I won’t bite unless you want me to
33. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning now that we are doing it together
34. I’ll circle your birthday on my calendar
35. I'll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching TV
36. I'll carve your initials in a tree
37. I won’t swear around your family
38. I’ve never been Punk’d
39. If you pick me a flower, I’ll wear it in my shirt pocket
40. I come with an extended warranty
41. I’ll grant you three wishes
42. I’ll defrag your computer and delete the cookies
43. I didn't vote for George Bush either
44. I don't tear the tags off my mattresses til I get home
45. I always stop to pet dogs outside of grocery stores
46. I'm likely to have a different pair of socks every time you see me
47. I'm slippery when wet
48. I only use the rail when I walk down the stairs 30% of the time ( I love to walk the line ya know)
49. I've never read Playboy for the articles
50. I'll make you laugh
51. I've never been in one of Tommy Lee's movies
52. I'll never under cook the eggs
53. I'll never drink your last beer
54. I can make a mean pot of chili
55. I'll pretend I didn't see you look at that hot waiter
56. I'll always be impressed with how strong you are
57. I know that handcuffs aren't just for the cops
58. I recycle
59. I do know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop
60. I won't steal the vicoden out of your medicine cabinet
61. I'll take care of you when you're sick
62. I'll make fun of you
63. I can give a mean back rub
64. I haven't been a house guest of O.J. Simpson
65. I think Joe Montana is better than Tom Brady
66. I can't stand soap operas
67. I would have voted for Bill Clinton both times
68. I'll get you a Dunkin' Donuts coffee for your commute
69. I like kissing in the rain
70. I got game
71. I don't chew tobacco
72. I take a shower every day
73. I like it when rub my bald head!
74. I'll let you beat me at pool
75. I don't care that you go out with the girls
76. I don't eat crackers in bed
77. I think it's hot when you get mad
78. I can stand the mall
79. I don't care what music we listen to in the car
80. I've never eaten a bon-bon in my life
81. When you wash the dishes it turns me on
82. I'll take out the garbage
83. My heart will jump every time you walk through the door
84. I'll save everything you ever give me
85. I won't ever forget your birthday, and remind you when mine is coming
86. You just can't stop reading this!
87. I don't like chicken on pizza
88. I don't have teeth like Austin Powers
89. I'll think you're just about the coolest person I know
90. I think pizza and a game at the sports bar down the street is the ideal date
91. What the hell is "in the box?"
92. I always open a window when I paint
93. I've never been on Americas Most Wanted
94. The only drama I have any part of is on TV
95. I know how to make a fire
96. I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue
97. I have Tic Tacs
98. My kisses are like marshmallows
99. I don't care if you leave your socks on
100. I sometimes listen John Mayer
101. I never drive faster than 30 mph in a school zone
102. My weird habits you'll find adorable
103. You'll sleep better when I'm next to you
104. I will share my candy with you
105. I'll thank you every time you open the door
106. I'll never waste your love
107. I'll put a mint on your pillow
108. I'd never give you crap in front of your friends
109. It gets better every time
110. Use as much salt as you want I don't care
111. I won't ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch
112. I'll help you find your keys
113. I don't stop and ask for directions either
114. The rock band KISS rules dude!
115. We can watch your movie first
116. I don't need batteries
117. The Easter Bunny at the mall still freaks me out
118. I eat red meat
119. I'll put away the dishes
120. I'll have smooth skin
121. I like it when my hair gets messed up
122. I used to be able to put my feet behind my neck
123. My family is just as messed up as yours
124. I want to get married soon
125. I like horror movies
126. I smell pretty good
127. I don't litter
128. When I can I give to charity
129. I can be ready in 10 minutes or less
130. I win at arm wrestling every time when arm wrestling a girl
131. I look both ways before I cross the street
132. I never look directly into the sun
133. I know you look cute in my shirt
134. I know Japanese cars are better than American cars
135. You're hotter and more hilarious than anyone I know
136. I am not a Trekkie
137. I use fabric softner
138. I towel dry easy
139. I can balance a check book
140. I'll help you not to forget your moms birthday
141. I would never yell "fire" in a crowded theatre
142. I'm really good at sneaking food into the movies
143. I was the second grade spelling bee champ
144. I'll never say 'nothings wrong' when there really is
145. I like Heineken over Budweiser and Coors
146. I've never cried over spilt milk
147. I have never stabbed anyone in the eye
148. I can count to 100 by 5s
149. I've never smuggled drugs out of the country
150. I won't get a doggie bag
151. I never partied with Tara Reid
152. I never overload the washer
153. What else have you got to do?
154. I know that whipped cream goes on more than sundaes
155. I've never auditioned for American Idol
156. I don't eat yellow snow
157. I like it when you talk to your friends about me in bed
158. My Sunday morning breakfasts will change your life
159. My chin fits 'just right' in your shoulder when you hold me close
160. I'll understand if you get jealous
161. I love 'Grease' and 'Saturday Night Fever'
162. I never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky
163. You're getting very sleepy...
164. I've never been on Jerry Springer
165. I like Wendy's over McDonald's and Burger King
166. You won't be able to get me out of your head
167. I know that sticks are better than automatics
168. I'll let you drive every time if you want
169. I buy a new toothbrush every time the blue wears down
170. I know that objects in the mirror are bigger than they appear
171. I wont be embarrassed to go to the store to buy your feminine products
172. I've never gotten caught lip synching on SNL
173. I have a $3.24 credit at Barnes and Noble
174. I never leave the engine running while I'm pumping gas
175. I never run with scissors
176. I've taken the Coke/Pepsi challenge and won
177. Almost every time I have a winning bottle top
178. I know how to keep a secret
179. If you spell something wrong I just think it's cute
180. I've never failed a survey
181. I can almost every time find Waldo
182. I never put my fingers in the light socket
183. I'm an Aqarius
184. I have all my shots
185. I don't mind you showing me outfits at The Gap
186. I'm pretty damn funny
187. I'm not a doctor and I've never played one on TV either
188. I don't care if you eat off my plate
189. Yes, I'll will watch American Idol with you
190. When you're sleeping I'll always try to be quiet
191. I'll never run out of gas (well, maybe - *wink*wink*)
192. I know the difference between they're, their, and there
193. You really kinda would dig having someone to cuddle with on the couch
194. I know how to get stains out of tshirts
195. I know how to leave you satisfied and hungry for more every time
196. I'm really good at making lists
197. I love 80's hair bands
198. I knew about Lance Bass
199. I like your White Sox pink hat
200. After reading this, you've got too much time invested all ready - might as well e-mail me

ummmmm, hello, how yummy was that?

If you live in Texas and want the location of this guy's actual ad, e-mail me and I'll be happy to forward you a link. (contact info on the right).

He's not bitter!!!

2007-06-13T06:20:00.000-07:00

Nice, Caring Guys do finish last. TIRED of being the friend that they didn't "feel like that about"!!
Age: 36

Why do women want men who never call, don't care, and couldn't care less about their lives/jobs?

I have a 15 month old Daughter who is my little angel!! Not that anyone cares!

He's just a pissed off nice guy!!! But no one CARES!!! You WOMEN all suck!!!

ISO new crayons

2007-06-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

Lost my crayons
Age: 39
Location: The South [go figure]

I am looking for a new life. I also want someone more than a friend, to rush home to; someone that makes my heart skip a beat; takes my breath away sometimes when I just look at her.

You are so beautiful that the sun pales in comparison everything about you is beautiful your hair, eyes your facial features and your intellect and sense of humor.

I believe that it takes a lot of trust and respect as well as humor, fun and playfulness and both people giving all they can to make grow.

Okay, this is really nice and all, but you don't even know me. Ack! Things are moving way too fast for me! I don't have any crayons, not even a crayon to spare.

ramble on...

2007-06-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

Tell me why
Age: 52
Location: Northern midwest

women dont care about their health no more and think cooking food is healthy and a way of life and money and and music may be nice but its mind control and truth dose not matter it just what sounds good or feels good well here goes a smile is just a smile turned upside down and then remember what im saying lying and the way things are now is no way of life loud music and fancy cars walking and breathing is better than that and running on cement is busting knees riding bikes are what i believe is cool laying on a spring bed is a negetive energy and smoking ciggerettes make your skin hard and damages the dna in your body so i guess i know why i am all alone cause no women wants to have a life so boring

No. You aren't all alone for those reasons. You're all alone because you're CRAZY. And, because you apparently can't write a single literate sentence.

Caption the Bachelor

2007-06-08T08:33:00.001-07:00

Caption: "OMG, I love it when you bite my left testicle."

On the other extreme:

Caption: "I'm a sensitive man who enjoys writing poetry, long walks in cemetaries, trips to Paris, practicing my *Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic* face, and crying myself to sleep at night."

How to hook a gold-digger in 1 easy step

2007-06-06T21:51:00.001-07:00

I make 140k/year and slim, looking for beautiful girl to worship
Age: 31

If you're hot please email me. I am very loveable. It would be great if you are too. and huggable, and we can sit around and hug each other. and hang out, and other stuff. I am successful and whatnot. We can do loveable things together that are cool and fun. :)

How this process works...

1) Post advertisement touting income.
2) Get lots of hits from sleezy material girls.
3) Move in with one of them.
4) Buy her new tits.
5) Marry her.
6) Get divorced. Give her half of everything you own.
7) Bitch and moan as you pay her alimony for the next 20 years.
8) Become really bitter about women.
9) Post new ad: "I make ~~140k~~ 70k a year (after alimony), looking for beautiful girl to worship."
10) Tell every woman you meet that "women are only after my money."

No More Mr. Nice Guy

2007-06-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe I am a jerk!
Age: 34

Go ahead and flirt and waste your time with the 1000+ Jackofs that are are currently dating online to play with all of your Heads ...

1) Pretending that they actually want a LTR when in fact they Just want a Booty Call

2) Are Gay , and using you as a test to see if they could Possibly have made a mistake with thier sexuality and are actually straight ?? ( Trust me ..I know a few Gay men that have told me they sometimes prowl online for females to have sex with them and see if they liked it or Not ) uh..gross .....

3) Lonely, Bored and so Unnatractive that they feel empowered to be chatting with you and wasting your time with countless , endless Giberish and waste of nonselse Bullcrap ....

4 ) Nice Guys, that just happen to have everything you are looking for ...But do not respond back after you send them your picture ..Ouch )

************************

I am NOT a Nice guy,

I wont buy you flowers and Crap..I might ask y ou how your Day went ? and I might conversate with you and flirt a Little , ...

But beneath all that ..If I am attracted to you I will just want to Tear your shirt Open ,,,,Kiss your neck, breasts ....and well....you know where I am going with this ...Thats all that is Usually what is on my mind when I meet a female that I am attracted to ...

Mind Blowing Sex with Plenty of Dirty and Nasty conversation that would make you blush more then maybelline

so if for some reason you want to get to know me ( I am sure I will get a TON of responses ;) lol) ....send a picture and lets talk ..by the way ..I am 420 Friendly

speaking of wasting my time on bullshit...If only I could reclaim the 3 minutes it took me to read your idiotic ad.

Make you sweat...

2007-06-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

Easy going life lover
Age: 43
I feel as if I have fleeting moments of intellect, but for some reason they don’t stay a while. I really enjoy being social, as it pertains to my job, but for the most part, I like to talk to everyone. I feel as if there should, and is always a conversation waiting to happen. There is always a story to be told, and moments of uncomfortable silences make me feel uneasy. I think that getting to know people and being easy going and nice to others is instrumental in making life easier. I am sensitive, but also strong when certain occasions arise that are out of my control. My woman would also be the same way. Strong, but with a sense of emotion that is inherent. She would be at ease with herself and know exactly who she is, no matter what life brings. Vindictiveness and selfishness would only turn me away, but a woman with a big heart would make me sweat.

You know how sometimes you're at lunch, having a conversation with someone, and they share some intimate detail of their life, like how they just had a labiaplasty, and you just cringe and wish they'd shut the hell up because you just got the most disgusting image in your head, and now you can't even enjoy your rare ahi tuna caesar salad? That's how this ad makes me feel. Dude, why do you think anyone wants to know this stuff?

I don't want to think about being drenched in some middle-aged guy's sweat. Ugh.

One of Those Thangs

2007-06-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

One of the good ones here
Age: 47
H
ey, if I didn't believe that then I couldn't possible expect YOU to, right??

I'm intelligent, wittier than ALL GET OUT (just what the hell is THAT, anyway??), athletic, creative, friendly, warm...I tend to treat the wait staff with respect and have little tolerance for people with their snouts in the air. A little about me: love to ski, take at least one big backpacking/wilderness trip each year, into photography, enjoy a good cup o' joe, I know that I, like everyone, am imperfect, and would be huuuugely interested in meeting/cultivating a really cool "thang" with a really cool woman...

You: Really cool woman. That's it. No, seriously...we all have our types...mine would be a single or divorced woman between 34-45 who's easy-going, appreciates the value of laughter, in shape, sexy, intelligent, and also interested in developing a really cool "thang" with a really cool guy. Honestly, I don't give a rat's ass if you CAN go from an evening gown to blue jeans in under 30 seconds (is there ever really a need for that particular talent??). Just be cool. Be easy to converse with. Be a real person. Be kissable. Be...be...hmmmm, OK, that's it.

Is there anything sadder than a 47-year-old trying desperately to attain his lost cool? I don't thang so.

Titty Man

2007-06-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

I love big boobs and need some bad. Please share !!
Age: 40

Sorry to be all about the boobs but its my fetish and I was dreaming about them all last night. I'm really looking for a long term relationship and I'm very attractive. If you are in Va. and have nice looking boobs, lets meet. I wish I could go see Pirates with someone who has nice boobs and likes them fondeled in a theater.

Wow. This just makes me want to lift my shirt right up and flash my tits. How about you?

Caption the Bachelor

2007-06-01T04:42:00.001-07:00

Somehow I keep hearing the Imperial March from Star Wars in my head.

Welcome, cruel.com readers! If I might be so bold, you might also enjoy:

More Caption the Bachelor
Ain't No Rocket Scientist
Weird Fetish Guys
Unique Strategies
I Feel Pretty

Real Women Have Curves

2007-05-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

Are you Big Boned?
Age: 29

Well the title says it all, I am a laid back guy that likes his girl a little on the bigger side. It’s hard to find a girl that is proud to say that they are. With the way things are today if you are not a super model and a size 0 they are not beautiful, I think that is bullshit. Here is what I think. Girl that is a size 10 to 16 and that does have some curves to them I think are very beautiful. Fuck these shallow assholes that one a stick figure. I am not one of them. Hell I am a big guy myself I would be scare I would break one into if I had anything under a size 8. Well that is the way I feel so I hope that makes you girls that are not a size 0 and you have curves to your body feel better about yourselves. There men out there that still loves you. I hope reading this ad put a little smile on your face, and if you would like to get to know me better shoot me an email.

And there's more:

Looking for a girl with meat on her bones
Age: 32

I am a man that loves meat on his girl. When I say meat I do not mean fat over weight girls. I mean girls that are in shape with a few extra pounds. A thick girl I guess you would call her. I am looking for a relationship with this girl. Here is a little about me.

I am in shape pretty tall and a lot of energy. So if you would like to know more about me email me and lets chat.

While I can think of at least a dozen more flattering ways to request what I think these guys are looking for, it is so nice to see guys who aren't looking for a stick figure to date. It kind of gives me hope, in some way, even though I'm petite myself.

I <3 these guys.

Need a ruling here...

2007-05-30T07:37:00.000-07:00

I had to file Chapter 7 for emotional investment
Age: 48

According to the Judge of that court I can't invest again for 360 days. That leaves me in a bind. I'm a tall, well built, whie divroced male, hard body, (been called cute) North of 45, but not quite 50. Looking for the a fit, attractive, in-shape woman, for mutual physical gratification. I'll buy lunch, or dinner. If the gratifiction is strong enough, (Read orgasm) this could lead to a sleepover/and/or cuddling. (I'm a very sensitive male...lol) Tall is a plus, so is smart and well read. A woman that can gush with the right amount of prompting is a double plus!!! ( I have some experience in inducing that, but am by no means an expert) Womans orgasms just turn me on. Please, serious inquires only. This internet thing reminds me of Star Trek and clingons for some of the responses I've received. Oh by the way, a movie or dinner is not out of the question if we click.!!!! I know it's wordy, if you've read this far, thanks!!!I'm safe and real.

Ladies of the jury, how do you find this defendant?

I find him undesirable.

You don't want to date me. Thus you are all lesbians.

2007-05-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

Searching for new friends around town

It's been hard trying to make changes in my life. I need a good friend who can let her hair down and keep it real with me. I have not been able to understand why so many women out here have gone bi-sexual or lebian. Can someone out there please help me understand were has this world gone too. I feel like I'm out of touch out of time. What would make my day is too have someone who's understanding of this State of Emergency and respond with some positive feedback
on my topic. Let's become friends!I'm a S B M .........Head in charge of my life with benefits.....I'm also of a mixed race......I'm trust worthy an kind to
all race. Love is me!!!!!!!!!!!! And while we are here let's love all race. Aliens hate!!!!!!!!! Real humans love!

There is a state of emergency because you can't get laid? Awwww. Poor baby.

Just for fun...

2007-05-25T07:05:00.001-07:00

New Online Dating Game: Gotta Flirt

Caption The Bachelor

2007-05-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

Just give me one good reason why this bachelor is single. Just one.